Morbid jokes

My dad is like the female wage gap: nonexistent.

Why is Lani Jesus? Go die.

Why did Paul Walker drown?

Because he was too busy carpooling.

What does food and dark humour have in common?

Not everybody gets it.

"I put the tin foil in the microwave, ma!"

Tell me orphan jokes are a really bad joke. People are really orphans, and there is a lot of 'em, and they are all depressed. Who would make fun of depressed people? Well, those dumbass evil people!!

What is 1 + 1?

They didn’t tell me. Their stomach is upset.

I decided to make a charity bungee jump for the local disabled. It's called "Spastics on Elastics."

Why do emos like circles? Because they can hang out with them.

An ugly man with a gun walks into a bar. He sees a woman and falls in love with her.

Man: "Hey, cute lady!"

Woman: "Leave me alone, you ugly two-faced man! I already have a boyfriend."

Man: "Not for long!"

And then the man shoots the woman's boyfriend.

Woman: "How dare you murder such a beautiful man!"

Man: "Now you shall be my girlfriend."

Woman: "Never."

And then the man takes the seat that the woman's boyfriend was sitting in before.

Man: "You look like a dream."

Woman: "Then open up your ugly eyes and stop sleeping, murder."

Man: "What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the world, compared to all those ugly women? Bleuch!"

Woman: "What's it like being the ugliest mother f***ing murder in the world, compared to all those beautiful men?"

And then the man orders flowers and candy.

Bartender: "We don't serve flowers, or candy."

And the man shoots the bartender.

Another man can't believe what he just saw, so he strangles the first man and throws him out.

Donald Trump.

I say 1, 2, 3, all the kids bullied me, but now they're not so cool, cuz I shot up the school.

Did you hear about Paul Walker's rap?

Wrapped around that tree.

So I'm the cable guy around the neighborhood, and I do everybody's cable. So I walked into this one house, and I noticed a little kid and the mom was upstairs. I was asking where her mom was, and she wasn't answering, and it looked like something was wrong, so I asked if anything was wrong. She didn't answer, so I kind of raised my voice at her, but she still didn't answer, and then I realized the hearing aid in her ear.

What is similar about a dog and a woman? You can ask them to come.

What is the difference between an orphan and an apple?

Well, at least one gets picked.

I like my vegetables like I like my women: forgotten at the bottom of my freezer.

The greatest bond you will ever have is the one with your conjoined twin.

Are you a toaster? 'Cause I wanna take a bath with you.

Are you a knife? 'Cause you make me wanna KMS.

Are you a painting? 'Cause I hang you.

Are you the flu? 'Cause you make me wanna hurl.

Are you a newspaper? 'Cause you have new problems every day.

Are you the ground? 'Cause I'm six feet deep in you ;)

Why did the Chicken cross the road?

It didn’t, it ran because it was running from KFC.