Morbid jokes

I like my bread how I like my wife: cold and stiff.

Joaquin Phoenix as The Joker is like Heath Ledger if he overdosed on prescription drugs... Oh, wait. He already did.

I give props to pedophiles.

They always go slow in the school zones.

If you shit in a church, is it a holy shit?

Riddle me this. Riddle me that.

Why did my parents never come back?

Cut.

Mom! I think that dad is sleeping.

Mom: No, honey, I killed him.

Yo mama so fat, she was pulled over... FOR HAVING 12 POUNDS OF CRACK ON HER!

What’s the difference between Isaac Newton and my Dad?

Isaac Newton didn’t beat me half to death with a pipe wrench.

My doctor called me a "psychopath." How dare he?!? He'll pay for this!

My infant drew on the walls today, but I don’t know how to punish them. So I think I’ll sleep on it.

A father of five puts on a gas mask and a hazard suit and walks outside, but before he could make it, his son came and asked, "Dad, what are you wearing?"

The father answered with, "A costume for Halloween."

The child asked, "Can I join?" He said no, for he said it's their last Halloween. After that, I saw green smoke all over the same house they lived in.

You know the song "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"? Apparently, Santa's the mailman.

How does the dog dance?

He doesn't... he's dead.

How do you make a baby cry?

You run over it with a lawn mower.

After the drive-by, Tupac became known as Pewpac.

KATGOD HERE IS A NEW CHAT BOX!

Once when I was 6, I had a massive crush on a girl in my grade. She liked me too, and we kissed under a tree.

Next day, same spot, but now she's pregnant. That stupid dad stole my girl!

Husband: Can we try anal tonight? Wife: Fuck that shit! Husband: That's the spirit!

"Have you driven through Dealey Plaza? It will blow your mind."

~John F. Kennedy