Morbid jokes
What do you call a blonde in the freezer?
Her parents named her Cindy, so we should probably continue to call her that. She was supposed to graduate tomorrow.
Me: 911, I just killed someone.
Cops: Cool, we will not come.
Me: Why?
Cops: Don't admit a crime.
Phones: *Bang Bang*
Me: Well, that was 2 crimes done.
What do you get when you cross an atheist an insomniac?
Someone who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog.
My dad went to go buy milk, but he walks as slow as my grandmother.
My grandmother is paralyzed in the legs.
Q. What's the difference between a baby and a bale of straw?
A. I got arrested last time I speared a baby with a pitchfork.
Studies have shown that in London, a person is stabbed 24 times a second. Poor bastard!
A guy with AIDS went into the doctor's room unusually happy. You could even say he was HIV positive.
What is something that smells yuck? 🤮
Old bus seats.
I put on my hazmat suit, and grabbed my equipment, and said, "My time to shine!"
How do you circumcise a redneck?
You kick his sister in the jaw.
Brits don't exist. Mummies can't have kids.
Why did the boy kill his girlfriend?
Because he had a crush on her.
What's the difference between sand and food? Africans have plenty of sand.
When the school lets you near children again...
There's two types of emo people:
1. People that cut side to side.
2. And people that cut up and down.
The most efficient is up and down.
I got arrested because I cremated a guy. They said the guy had been alive when I burned him. I mean, it's an early cremation—what's the difference?
When you say to your friend, "I've got your back," then at his funeral you see in his coffin he's missing his middle piece.
There is a man and a woman on a date.
The woman asked what kind of things do you love?
The table starts to lift up on the man's side and the man says sorry.
A kid is watching TV and sees an ad about adopting an animal. He then turns to his mother and says, “Do we have to adopt a donkey?” “No,” replied the mom, “but we decided to do it... we adopted you.”
A man gets an email from his doctor.
"Sorry for the delay on getting your prescription, it'll be at your house tomorrow."
The man thinks to himself, "Oh shit! Then what have I been taking?"