Morbid jokes

If you shit in a church, is it a holy shit?

Riddle me this. Riddle me that.

Why did my parents never come back?

Cut.

Yo mama so fat, she was pulled over... FOR HAVING 12 POUNDS OF CRACK ON HER!

Mom! I think that dad is sleeping.

Mom: No, honey, I killed him.

What’s the difference between Isaac Newton and my Dad?

Isaac Newton didn’t beat me half to death with a pipe wrench.

My doctor called me a "psychopath." How dare he?!? He'll pay for this!

My infant drew on the walls today, but I don’t know how to punish them. So I think I’ll sleep on it.

A father of five puts on a gas mask and a hazard suit and walks outside, but before he could make it, his son came and asked, "Dad, what are you wearing?"

The father answered with, "A costume for Halloween."

The child asked, "Can I join?" He said no, for he said it's their last Halloween. After that, I saw green smoke all over the same house they lived in.

How does the dog dance?

He doesn't... he's dead.

How do you make a baby cry?

You run over it with a lawn mower.

Husband: Can we try anal tonight? Wife: Fuck that shit! Husband: That's the spirit!

"Have you driven through Dealey Plaza? It will blow your mind."

~John F. Kennedy

What does a cannibal ask for when leaving a restaurant?

"Can I have a bodybag?"

Once when I was 6, I had a massive crush on a girl in my grade. She liked me too, and we kissed under a tree.

Next day, same spot, but now she's pregnant. That stupid dad stole my girl!

KATGOD HERE IS A NEW CHAT BOX!

Welcome to David's Morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em!

After the drive-by, Tupac became known as Pewpac.

So, I am an emo dude, so I sit in the back of the class, and I talk to no one.

But one day this dude came up to me and tried to talk to me, so I just ignored him. Then he got really pissed off and said, "I'm gonna kill you." I was like, "You're gonna kill me just because I ignored you? Is your ego that big, wow?" He left. Then the next day he brought his goons with him and said, "Now you're dead." I ignored him again, and he said, "You will pay for this."

So the following day after school I was walking down the street back to my house. Then he and his goons tried to attack me, but then they died, so I kept on walking. I had some rope traps set.

This was the best day of my life.

This is why you never mess with emos. We have ropes everywhere.

Daddy, I really miss you. Mummy changed my name to Tickle Timpson. Anyway, daddy I forgive you for abusing me.