Morbid jokes
What did the girl with no hands get for her birthday?...
We don't know; she hasn't opened it yet.
I speak for the trees.
*Trees whisper in my ear*
They said six million wasn't enough.
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.
What should you never say to a Japanese person? "You're da bomb!"
What's the difference between apples and dead babies?
I don't ejaculate on apples before I eat them.
I remember my grandad's last words: "Are you still holding the ladder?"
A guy with AIDS went into the doctor's room unusually happy. You could even say he was HIV positive.
Why did Sally fall off the swing? Someone chucked a brick at her.
Why did Sally throw a clock out the window? She had brain damage from the brick.
Arby's fast food and abortion clinic: Your dead babies are our taters and gravy.
You guys asked for a joke? Well, you're in luck, because you already are one!
If you kill someone, that's murder.
If you kill a family member, that's still murder.
If you kill a child, that's "child abuse."
Forrest Gump: Who's your favorite Lord of the Rings character?
Lieutenant Dan: Legaless.
First Date: HE: "I work with animals every day!" SHE: "Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?" HE: "I’m a butcher." SHE: "Perfect! I work with humans, I just kill them by cutting them up!"
HE: "So it's you in the newspaper?" SHE: "Yes, it was, wanna be next?" HE: "No!"
What is the difference between a rock and my girlfriend?
One is rock hard, and the other is Dwayne Johnson.
Why did the boy kill his girlfriend?
Because he had a crush on her.
What is a dead kid's favorite anime? Bleach.
My girlfriend passed away recently.
At the funeral, everyone was shocked about it.
Still, even when dead, she is the best shag I've ever known.
What do you call a white girl that can run faster than her brothers?
The redneck virgin.
What's the difference between Andy and acne?
Acne waited until Adam could talk before coming on his face.
Beneath this monumental stone Lise, 80 pounds of skin and bone.