Morbid jokes
The other day while I was going down on my grandma, I thought I tasted a little horse semen and I got to wondering if maybe that’s what killed her!
Hookers are like drive-thrus; you tell them what you want, pay for your stuff, and leave.
A priest is drowning in a river. A boat comes along and asks to help him. He says, "Leave me alone, God will save me." The next day another boat came along and asked to help him. Again he said, "Leave me alone, God will save me." The next day the last boat came and asked to help him. Once again he told the boat that God will save him. The next day he died. He went to heaven and asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God said, "I sent you three f***ing boats and you didn't take them!"
My father left me at a young age.
He was only five.
Me: Opens the window to get some fresh air.
Everyone else on the plane: 😟...😱
When I was a kid, I used to read a lot. I mainly grew up reading stories by Shakespeare, especially the story Romeo & Juliet. That one in particular taught me a valuable life lesson. It taught me to not be surprised when my girlfriend killed herself.
I hope death is a woman That way she'll never look at me twice
You know those paper families you cut out?
Well, I put one of those in an orphanage.
I don't like 9/11 jokes; they have a tendency to crash and burn.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends how hard you throw them.
Someone dies.
Most people smother babies with love.
I smother them with pillows.
What's worse than getting raped in a cemetery? Finding someone else's semen in your mom's corpse.
Elsa got a boyfriend, and the boyfriend wanted to try anal.
She wasn't too keen, but she just lay back and shouted "INTO THE UNKNOWN!"
When Chuck Norris wants to burn calories, he throws fat children into the fire.
What do you call a woman who says she can do anything a man can do?
Wrong.
What has 4 legs and 1 arm?
A pitbull dog coming back from the kids playground.
I love fire. My friends love it too. When I set them on fire, they run around and scream. They sometimes get so tired they immediately fall asleep forever. Also, they need a shower.
Why did the murderer invest in condoms? To kill the future buyers!
"Lizzie Borden took an axe. And gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, She gave her father forty-one."