Morbid jokes
What do you call someone with an extra chromosome winning in a pool?
Posiedown.
How do you know if someone is anorexic? You toss them a onion ring and see if they eat it, or use it as a hula hoop.
What song do you think was playing at the school?
"Pumped Up Kicks"
Roses are red, my cum is blue, I'll wait till you're asleep to rape you.
So, I was fucking this bitch, right, and I thought I had AIDS.
So I go and get tested. Turns out I did get AIDS. Now what I'm wondering is where the hell does an eight-year-old get AIDS?! I guess my sister needs new friends...
How do you get a baby to stop crying?
Simple... you staple its mouth shut.
What's the difference between me and a rapist?
He forced her, while I convinced her with a candy.
She was just 7 years old.
Have you ever been accused of a crime you didn't commit? Well, I have! I was wrongfully accused of larceny yesterday. I'm not smart enough for that, I just stole some stuff.
I know how to cut down on Medicare expenses.
Lock Alzheimer's patients in dog cages when they misbehave.
What’s the difference between a prostitute and cancer?
A prostitute can beat my dick any day, but a prostitute can’t beat cancer.
I remember Grandpa's last words, "Oh, shit! It's in drive!"
You looking for jokes? I have one: your life.
Why did the serial killer cross the road? To get to the victim's house.
Knock, knock. Who's there? The serial killer.
Jokers are all about the delivery.
Except abortion jokes...
Before I die, I'm going to ask to be cremated.
Then I'm going to eat a bunch of popcorn kernels.
Then I'll die and get cremated. BOOM! I'm popcorn!
What does a woman do when she leaves the battered women's shelter?
"Cook my dinner, if she knows what's good for her."
Steven Hawking walks into a bar... no, I'm just kidding.
Why did Helen Keller burn her hands?
Because she was trying to read the waffle iron.
Me: Now I know why Michael Jackson turned white.
The police: You finally figured it out.
A retired George W. Bush is eating a donut at 7/11 and looks at it. "I'm so happy I did that." A guy overhears the conversation and says, "You're happy you bought that donut? Oh haha, I would be too. I love donuts!" George W. Bush then says, "Oh hahaha, you caught me," and then says, "Oh hahaha, you must have heard me wrong. I said, I'm so happy I did 9/11."