Morbid jokes
What's the only type of abortion Republicans will never try to legislate against?
A school shooting.
How do you keep a blind kid entertained?
You take him to a stadium crowd, then give him a bat and tell him to hit the piñata.
What do you do when you hear your wife squirming around in the back yard?
Reload... chhchhhh.
You know that at Walmart they have backpacks next to the guns? Well, I thought that it was nice to see the bags next to the school supplies.
What does a phone and a grandma have in common? They both die.
What's the difference between them? If you shove something up your grandma's ass, she won't come back to life.
Q. What's the difference between an assassinated Healthcare CEO and Old Yeller?
A. I cried when they shot Old Yeller.
There are 50 dogs and 48 cats.
How many are hungry?
A. 10
BLM.
I'm telling my kids that in 2020 I survived world war 3, the zombie apocalypse, the invasion of the murder hornets, and the second American revolution.
How do you know if someone is anorexic? You toss them a onion ring and see if they eat it, or use it as a hula hoop.
An obese, depressed mother is trying to tie a noose, but can't reach it, so she calls her son for help.
*A few minutes later*
son: There.
mother: Where did you learn to tie such a good noose?
son: Dad showed me before he died.
mother: DAMN HIM TO HE- *slips and the noose chokes her to death*
Q: What’s a good thing about child molesters?
A: They drive slow through school zones.
My credit card is more declined than the love from my dad.
What is worse than a baby getting hanged in a tree?
That same baby getting hanged in multiple trees.
Look at a bag of black grapes. See how dark they are? That’s how I like my men. 25 at a time.
Ashes to ashes, priests prefer boys, 'cause they don't have to shave their asses.
Did you know there was a record for the quickest time to finish a story? The day it was set was 9/11. 99 stories in .4 seconds.
Better call NASA and tell them there are only going to be 7 planets after I destroy URANUS.
Salman Rushdie got a new book out.
It's called "Buddha. You Fat Cunt."
What has hands but can’t clap?
A thalidomide baby.