Dad: I'm dying.
Son: Hi dying, I'm [name].
Dad: Really, now is not the time.
Son: I'm sorry.
Dad: Hi sorry, I'm Dad. (dies)
My dad and cancer go into a fight. I never saw my dad after that.
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Hi, welcome to David’s sperm bank. You jack it, we pack it. How may I help you?
Remember that you're unique, just like everyone else.
What's the difference between Al Qaeda and Ms. Frizzle? One flew a plane into the Twin Towers; one flew a bus into the school.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lick-a-lot-of-puss!
My mother really hates my dad for some reason. Maybe it was because he cheated on her, or maybe because it was her mom. Either way, it really ruined her birthday.
Where did Janet go during the bombing? Everywhere.
Hookers are like drive-thrus; you tell them what you want, pay for your stuff, and leave.
My father left me at a young age.
He was only five.
A priest is drowning in a river. A boat comes along and asks to help him. He says, "Leave me alone, God will save me." The next day another boat came along and asked to help him. Again he said, "Leave me alone, God will save me." The next day the last boat came and asked to help him. Once again he told the boat that God will save him. The next day he died. He went to heaven and asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God said, "I sent you three f***ing boats and you didn't take them!"