Morbid jokes

I don't like 9/11 jokes; they have a tendency to crash and burn.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends how hard you throw them.

Someone dies.

Most people smother babies with love.

I smother them with pillows.

What's worse than getting raped in a cemetery? Finding someone else's semen in your mom's corpse.

Elsa got a boyfriend, and the boyfriend wanted to try anal.

She wasn't too keen, but she just lay back and shouted "INTO THE UNKNOWN!"

When Chuck Norris wants to burn calories, he throws fat children into the fire.

What do you call a woman who says she can do anything a man can do?

Wrong.

What has 4 legs and 1 arm?

A pitbull dog coming back from the kids playground.

I love fire. My friends love it too. When I set them on fire, they run around and scream. They sometimes get so tired they immediately fall asleep forever. Also, they need a shower.

Why did the murderer invest in condoms? To kill the future buyers!

"Lizzie Borden took an axe. And gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, She gave her father forty-one."

I was at the bar late last night when a waitress screamed, "Anyone know CPR?" I said, "Shit, I know all the letters of the alphabet." Everyone laughed, well, except for this one guy.

When you commit suicide in your house, that's suicide, but when you commit suicide outside, you failed your parkour.

What can change color and get beat up?

You.

What's the difference between a smart blonde and a dinosaur?

The dinosaur once existed.

Helen Keller walked into a bar.

Then a table.

Then a chair.

When I saw a dead body on the ground and my editor was filming, I told him to censor that a-hole. When I saw the completed product, he censored me. Then I killed him.

What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

My Dad said he got me from the shops, and I remembered what Grandpa said about him.