Morbid jokes
There are 4 people on a plane while it's crashing and there are only 3 parachutes. There's Opera, Obama, a little girl, and Trump. Opera grabs a parachute and says, "I'm famous, I get one!" And Trump grabs one and says, "Well, I'm president, of course I get one!" Obama looks at the little girl and says, "Since you're the future of our generation, take the last one." The little girl hugs Obama and says, "Actually, we can both have one. Trump took my backpack!"
Helen Keller walked into a bar.
Then a table.
Then a chair.
When I saw a dead body on the ground and my editor was filming, I told him to censor that a-hole. When I saw the completed product, he censored me. Then I killed him.
I walked to the milk store and did not see my dad.
My Dad said he got me from the shops, and I remembered what Grandpa said about him.
The next time you get a sack call, pick up the phone and say, "Welcome to Pete's pizzeria and abortion clinic. Your loss is next week's sauce. How may we help you?"
Jack and Jill Went up the hill to have some hanky panky.
Silly Jill forgot her pill. And now there's little Franky.
I was up all night because my neighbors were having sex.
*I was actually up all night watching.*
When the school lets you near children again...
I don't understand the plane crash at 9/11. My dad was a great pilot!
What does a lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
"Same time next month?"
If per capita is an issue, decapita can be arranged.
Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is.
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the stairs.
Where do you find a turtle with no legs?
Right where you left it.
Friend: How dark is your humor?
Me: It gets beat by the cops on a daily basis.
A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared."
The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone!"
What's black and white and read all over?
A newspaper.
What's black, white, black, white, red, white, black, red, black, then red all over?
A penguin falling down the stairs.
Latias is red.
Latios is blue.
You should always remember to put up your curtains because I Pikachu.
Why can’t blind people eat fish?
Because it is seafood.