So I left my mom with my baby and I was terrified when I came back in the wheelchair was in the water
are you a mirror,because i see myself in you
Knock Knock! Who's there? Dad! Dad Who? *Silence*
I knew this one guy who liked to swim with the fishes, then the mob got a hold of em....
How did they figure out what kind of shampoo Paul walker used? They found his “head and shoulders” in the the dash.
A man gets an email from his doctor
"Sorry for the delay on getting your prescription, it'll be at your house tommarrow"
The man thinks to himself "oh shit! Then what have I been taking?"
What was the last thing on the minds of the 9/11 jumpers ... ...
Their knees *Ba dum tss*
How did a man kill his car? He throttled it.
Alfred the Great was arguably the greatest king in England’s history.
The worst? Richard the Goat Fucker.
My family chastises me for MY job, but you should hear how my family provides "customer service" at their jobs. My mother works as a social worker and answers the phone like, "DYFS, you beat em, we treat em." My grandmother is a Medical Examiner and she answers the phone like, "City Morgue, you kill em, we chill em." These bitches have no class! I'm an actress and studio secretary. When you call the studio, I answer the phone professionally like, "Good afternoon. IHOP, International House Of Pussy. Creampie Cassie speaking".
I was up all night because my neighbors were having sex.
*was actually up all night watching*
What’s similar between the twin towers and Kbe Bryant They both can crashing down
Where did my rabbit go? *crunch*
What do you call terrible milk?
Udder Bullshit
What's red, small, wet and crawls up your leg? - A homesick abortion
I wish i did't have depression because all my friends have BBC Bitch be crazy disease.
A mom and her son are taking a walk when they pass a homeless man fapping, the boy asks "what is that man doing?". The mom says "Making pizza" trying to turn him away.
The son sees a dog fucking another dog and he asks the same thing. She says "Making extra cheese". When they pass a window and see a couple doing it, he asks the same thing. She says "Ordering the pizza".
Later that day the mother says to the father "I think I want some to order some pizza with extra cheese tonight, dont know why that sounds good".
So that night the husband who was watching tv yelled up the stairs "wanna order some pizza !?"
The mother replied "DONT WORRY IM MAKING SOME"
the sons voice followed " IM ADDING EXTRA CHEESE"
I don't understand the plane crash at 9/11. my dad was a great pilot!
when the school lets you near children again...
What did Stevie wonder see when he got Murdered
Nothing
