Morbid jokes
How do you paint a wall red?
You shoot a baby with a .50 cal.
I love telling jokes about orphans.
What are they gonna do, tell their parents?
What’s the difference between dead babies and a cat?
The cat is still alive.
What’s the difference between cat food and tonight’s dinner?
Nothing, it’s all just mystery meat.
My family chastises me for MY job, but you should hear how my family provides "customer service" at their jobs. My mother works as a social worker and answers the phone like, "DYFS, you beat em, we treat em." My grandmother is a Medical Examiner and she answers the phone like, "City Morgue, you kill em, we chill em." These bitches have no class! I'm an actress and studio secretary. When you call the studio, I answer the phone professionally like, "Good afternoon. IHOP, International House Of Pussy. Creampie Cassie speaking."
What's the name of a cannibal's favorite all-you-can-eat buffet? Planned Parenthood!
My dad is like my virginity. I lost him at 12.
My girlfriend left a note on the TV saying, "This isn't working!" I don't know what she's talking about, the TV works perfectly fine.
Why don’t you get a book about how to commit suicide?
Because you won’t bring it back afterwards.
Today, my mom gave me a lecture on how to stay safe during school shootings. When my brother walked past, my mom asked me a question: "What do you think of going through kids' heads during a school shooting?" That's when my brother came back downstairs and said to me and my mom, "Bullets." We don't talk about this anymore.
A person in NYC is shot every 5 minutes. Poor guy!
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, because they beat the room for being dark, then arrest the room for being broke.
Imagine failing to commit suicide; you might as well go kill yourself.
When I went to heaven, I saw Steven Hawking standing there. I asked why he isn’t in heaven yet. He said there are stairs.
Old Mother Riley, had a fat cow.
She milked it and milked it but didn't know how, she pulled his tail, pulled his tits. Old Mother Riley was covered in sh!t.
What’s yellow and can’t swim?
A school bus full of children.
What is the difference between Joe Biden and a knife?
A knife has a point.
What do you call women's rights: A blank sheet of paper.
I hate child murderers, they're always so high-pitched.
I started crying when dad was cutting onions.
Onions was such a good dog.
What has teeth but doesn't use them to chew? The answer would be a comb or a piano, but technically, if you ripped someone's teeth out and hand them to them, they have teeth but can't chew with them.