Morbid jokes
What did the Nazi order from Wendy's?
Two number NEINs.
I love telling jokes about orphans.
What are they gonna do, tell their parents?
I was struggling on a math test when a girl in a wheelchair leaned over and said, "Hey, this is the easiest thing I've done all day."
I was triggered, so the next day when we were doing the pledge, I leaned over and said, "This is the easiest thing I've done all day!"
What’s the difference between dead babies and a cat?
The cat is still alive.
What’s the difference between cat food and tonight’s dinner?
Nothing, it’s all just mystery meat.
My family chastises me for MY job, but you should hear how my family provides "customer service" at their jobs. My mother works as a social worker and answers the phone like, "DYFS, you beat em, we treat em." My grandmother is a Medical Examiner and she answers the phone like, "City Morgue, you kill em, we chill em." These bitches have no class! I'm an actress and studio secretary. When you call the studio, I answer the phone professionally like, "Good afternoon. IHOP, International House Of Pussy. Creampie Cassie speaking."
My dad is like my virginity. I lost him at 12.
What's the name of a cannibal's favorite all-you-can-eat buffet? Planned Parenthood!
My girlfriend left a note on the TV saying, "This isn't working!" I don't know what she's talking about, the TV works perfectly fine.
Why don’t you get a book about how to commit suicide?
Because you won’t bring it back afterwards.
Today, my mom gave me a lecture on how to stay safe during school shootings. When my brother walked past, my mom asked me a question: "What do you think of going through kids' heads during a school shooting?" That's when my brother came back downstairs and said to me and my mom, "Bullets." We don't talk about this anymore.
A person in NYC is shot every 5 minutes. Poor guy!
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, because they beat the room for being dark, then arrest the room for being broke.
Imagine failing to commit suicide; you might as well go kill yourself.
When I went to heaven, I saw Steven Hawking standing there. I asked why he isn’t in heaven yet. He said there are stairs.
What’s yellow and can’t swim?
A school bus full of children.
Old Mother Riley, had a fat cow.
She milked it and milked it but didn't know how, she pulled his tail, pulled his tits. Old Mother Riley was covered in sh!t.
What is the difference between Joe Biden and a knife?
A knife has a point.
What do you call women's rights: A blank sheet of paper.
I hate child murderers, they're always so high-pitched.
I started crying when dad was cutting onions.
Onions was such a good dog.