Morbid jokes

I always think that percussions are golden, but cheeks are brass.

Screw anima!

Oh wait, that's called hentai.

What do you call an obese man with bipolar? Twins.

The next time you get a sack call, pick up the phone and say, "Welcome to Pete's pizzeria and abortion clinic. Your loss is next week's sauce. How may we help you?"

Welcome to Antonio’s pizza and abortion, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce!

I decided today that I was going to do something with my life, something amazing, and I decided to punch a homeless man.

I walked to the milk store and did not see my dad.

Grandpa said, "No phone near the table," so I said, "You're not allowed near the school."

Q: What do you say to a kid who threatens to beat you up?

A: We can always rearrange your liver 😏

What did grandpa say before he died in the hospital bed?

"Boy, could you put my phone on charging?"

Me: "What's the difference between an apple and an emo?"

Friend: "I don't know."

Me: An apple actually falls from the tree.

I only believe in 12.5% of the bible. I'm an EIGTHeyist.

Bippity boppity, get the f*ck off my property.

I’ve been told I’ve got a perfect cock. She sure was hard on me when I cut it off, though.

According to statistics, 5 of 6 people enjoy gang rape.

Why is it that when I'm in school doing PE, it's fine for someone to say "boys against girls", but the moment I say "blacks against whites" I'm the bad guy?

My father said I'm too reliant on technology.

I called him a hypocrite, and unplugged his life support.

How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

It’s all fun and games at “take your kid to work day” until you realize your dad is a suicide bomber.

If your parachute fails midair, remember, you have the rest of your life to fix it.