Morbid jokes

In 2013, it was reported that China has lost around 28,000 rivers; over half of what they thought existed. Some say climate change is the cause, others say it’s their harsh, economic expansion that’s unapologetic to the environment.

My theory is that those 28,000 rivers were sold to underground river-sex trafficking.

How do you paint a wall red?

You shoot a baby with a .50 cal.

I love telling jokes about orphans.

What are they gonna do, tell their parents?

What’s the difference between dead babies and a cat?

The cat is still alive.

What’s the difference between cat food and tonight’s dinner?

Nothing, it’s all just mystery meat.

What's the name of a cannibal's favorite all-you-can-eat buffet? Planned Parenthood!

My dad is like my virginity. I lost him at 12.

My girlfriend left a note on the TV saying, "This isn't working!" I don't know what she's talking about, the TV works perfectly fine.

Why don’t you get a book about how to commit suicide?

Because you won’t bring it back afterwards.

Today, my mom gave me a lecture on how to stay safe during school shootings. When my brother walked past, my mom asked me a question: "What do you think of going through kids' heads during a school shooting?" That's when my brother came back downstairs and said to me and my mom, "Bullets." We don't talk about this anymore.

A person in NYC is shot every 5 minutes. Poor guy!

When I went to heaven, I saw Steven Hawking standing there. I asked why he isn’t in heaven yet. He said there are stairs.

These jokes are so dark that their life matters.

My father said I'm too reliant on technology.

I called him a hypocrite, and unplugged his life support.

Old Mother Riley, had a fat cow.

She milked it and milked it but didn't know how, she pulled his tail, pulled his tits. Old Mother Riley was covered in sh!t.

What’s yellow and can’t swim?

A school bus full of children.

What do you call women's rights: A blank sheet of paper.

A girl said to me yesterday, "I don't know why men act like they are better than women, we all know women are supreme." I was confused, so I asked her how, and she told me, "Well, us women have a pussy, ass, and tits, while guys only have a penis. Women have 3 things while guys only have 1. Women are obviously supreme over men." I told her, "Actually, guys have more than women." "How so?" "Men have rights."

I hate child murderers, they're always so high-pitched.

I started crying when dad was cutting onions.

Onions was such a good dog.

What has teeth but doesn't use them to chew? The answer would be a comb or a piano, but technically, if you ripped someone's teeth out and hand them to them, they have teeth but can't chew with them.