whats red and screams when you shake it? a skinned baby in a bag of salt
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.
If at first you don't succeed, oh well, so much for skydiving.
Why do I look nervous when I enter the church? is it just because i'm the only one with the bomb?
Son: Dad what's a morbid joke? Father: Walk over to a homeless man and throw a rock at him then you will know. Son: But Dad I don't have arms or legs. Father: Now you know.
How many time does it take to cook a baby in a microwave?
I don’t know, I can’t count while masturbating
Why is it you donate one kidney you're a hero but donate four or five and people run and call the police?
Studies have shown that in London, a person is stabbed 24 times a second. Poor bastard...
Why did Billy drop his ice cream? Cause he got hit by a bus
So a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on; Doctor: "so your wife she is paralyzed from the neck down" and as the doctor goes he says all the things the man must do for her like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says " why, WHY ME!" Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the mans ear and says " I'm just fuckin with u she's DEAD!"
Did Jesus die a virgin?
Of course not!! He got nailed before he died.
When I went to heaven I saw Steven hawking standing there I asked why he isn’t gone into heaven yet he said there is stairs
To my best friend, my brother is like a spider. She chose to kill him straight away. That's why she is my friend, after all! :D
What's the difference between saying bloody in America and in the U.K?
In the U.K, it's a swear word
In America, it's a family reunion
Daughter: "Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion?" Father: "Ask your sister” Daughter: "I don't have a..."
What’s the best part about putting a baby in a blender feet first? Watching their expression change.
What is the difference between Bin Laden and Santa, one stops at the top of the skyscraper.
My wife left a note on the fridge, the note read "It's not working" I don't know what she's talking about, I opened the fridge and it worked fine!
What is a cannibals favorite drink? Coffee
Do you know why the Royal family can no longer play monopoly?
How do you think Princess Diana died?
...Too soon?
