My aunt visited and saw all of the stuff around the house my mom had kept over the years and said, "If you have something that no one likes, and it only makes people upset, or it's useless, throw it away."
The next time my aunt visited, she said, "Where is your daughter?"
My mom said, "I took your advice."
How do you make a dead baby float?
1 cup rootbeer 2 scoops dead baby.
Why is reverse cowgirl banned in Alabama? Because you should never turn your back on family.
I was walking home when I saw children crossing the street on their own. I went towards him and tapped his shoulder and said, "Hey, little kid, you are not supposed to be walking on your own." The kid turns out to be a dwarf.
What do you call nuts on your chest? Chestnuts.
What do you call nuts on the wall? Walnuts.
What do you call nuts on your chin? A blowjob.
Don’t worry if you have a stroke.
You’ll be all right.
When is a right time to dance on a body? If it is under the floorboards.
What is a school shooter's favorite animal?
A Desert Eagle.
What do you call a midget with autism?
A weetard.
I have the best life coach ever, because he taught me to not care. He did it so well that he died last week, and I still don’t care.
What’s one good thing about child molesters? They drive slow in a school zone.
My girlfriend lives a few miles away from me.
The other night, she called me at around 3 AM. She was terrified. She said that there were two armed gunmen in her apartment.
With all that adrenaline going through my system, it made it hard to go back to sleep.
A man asked for poison and another man gave it to him. The first man took a sip and said, "hmmm, this tastes like arsenic." He took a sip of another and said, "hmmm, this tastes like cyanide. A very unpleasant taste that brings back memories."
Am I the only one who gives people in the neighborhood names they don't know they have? Like "Blue truck dude", "Loud dog guy", "Nice old lady with the rose bushes", "That slut across the street."
If I smiled one centimeter each time I watched someone I hated die, I'd look like the Cheshire Cat.
Why do orphans miss half their basketball season? Cause they don't have home games.
Mary's mother was a good person. Why did she die?
Because she got stabbed in the heart 60 times by a switchblade.
How many astronauts can you fit into a VW Bug? 11, 4 in the seats, seven in the ashtray.
What did the little girl with no arms get for Christmas?
I don't know, she's still trying to open it...
So Stephen Hawking walked into a bar - just kidding.
