Morbid jokes
Everyone else seems to have met my dad. I only have the mugshots.
The Titanic before the iceberg be like: "We can't go under it, we gotta go through it!"
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To end his pain and suffering.
So, a doctor walks into the room with a dying patient. He looks the man up and down and says gravely: "I'm sorry, you only have ten left." The other man smiles nervously and asks, "T-ten what doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?" The doctor calmly looks at him. "Nine."
I’m not racist. I just have black guns.
Why did the Columbine High School basketball team lose the big game?
Because they lost their two best shooters...
What's a Parkinson's victim's least favorite song?
Taylor Swift - "Shake it Off".
What is common with dark humor and unvaccinated kids?
Neither do ever grow old.
I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed, "Does anyone know CPR?" I yelled, "I know the entire alphabet," and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one person.
A teacher is doing an experiment about taste. She tells each student to line up so she can give them each a lifesaver, so they can tell her what flavor it is. She gives Suzy a pineapple one. Suzy tries it, says the flavor, and then goes and sits back down. That is the same for everyone, then it is Jhonny's turn. The teacher hands him a honey flavor one. Jhonny chews it for a while, then says,
"Teacher, I don't know what it is.". The teacher tries to give him a hint and says, "it's what your parents call each other when you are asleep". Immediately the boy behind Jhonny screams, "Spit it out Jhonny, it's an asshole!!!"
What has teeth but doesn't use them to chew? The answer would be a comb or a piano, but technically, if you ripped someone's teeth out and hand them to them, they have teeth but can't chew with them.
It’s all fun and games at “take your kid to work day” until you realize your dad is a suicide bomber.
I moved so much stone today.
I feel like a guy from Palestine looking for his wife.
Say no to drugs, kids. Suddenly, the poster disappeared. I hallucinated. Must have been the cocaine.
How does a paedophile know if he's good at sex?
It'll forever be a mystery because the victims [are] too young to scream his name.
How many babies do you need to paint a wall? Depends on how hard you throw them.
Abortion, it really brings out the kid in you.
What's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff.
What's pink and rusty? Madeline McCann's bike.
Today, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.
My parents are the worst.
I got the newest Call of Duty game! I got a 200 kill streak, then I went home and played COD.