Morbid Jokes

Teachers at a school shooting be like: damn it. That's the third one this week and it's only Monday.

Why is the Catholic church in favor of condoms now?

It's now getting harder to hide DNA evidence.

I don't understand why, when I went to the shooting range today, the police came. Like, bro, I always go to elementary schools.

Why did Mary have a little lamb? Because a big one was too much in bed.

Bad jokes are like the planes in 9/11, they don't land.

What do you call a kid in a wheelchair coming out of a building on fire? Hot wheels.

Trying to make a baby talk is like trying to negotiate with North Korea.

I got a phone call from a guy labeled "assassin" saying my life will end soon. I seriously doubt that he w- *gunshot*

I hit a ball with a bat, it was called animal abuse.

What's sad and has no life? The person reading this.

What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? -- The wheelchair.

I'd tell you a Kobe joke.

But I am afraid it wouldn't land well.

Man, my Muslim friend's the bomb!

How do you make an adopted kid bleed? ... Tell him to clap until his parents come back.

What does a pedophile and a light switch have in common?

They both get turned on by children.

I've been trying to find jokes about gouging my eyes out, but I couldn't see any.

A is for apple, B is for dyslexia—oh wait, no! That’s D!

Why couldn’t the orphan find home?

Didn’t have eyes.

So there's a little girl playing hopscotch at the front of her house while her mother hangs up the washing and her father mows the lawn. She says, "Step on a crack and you break your mother's back." The father laughs, until his daughter steps on a crack resulting in her mother's back breaking.

The little girl's father looks in terror, she then says, "Step on a line and you break your father's spine." The father closes his eyes waiting for his spine to break, but nothing happens. When he opens his eyes again he sees that he is ok, and nothing has happened to him. Suddenly he hears someone yell out "OW MY SPINE!" The father runs around the corner to see the mailman laying on the floor.