Morbid jokes
My friend just got a new house. He told me to make myself at home, so I threw him out. I hate visitors.
Why don't Japanese people like iPhones?
Because they are afraid of American airdrops.
Simplest way to tell if dogs are better than cats: My dog is named Curiosity, and your cat is dead.
I will never forget my girlfriend's last words... "Get off of me! STOP!" *slurp*... Dead.
How does Hellen Keller drive?
With one hand on the wheel and the other on the road.
Why do hospitals have fans?
To keep the vegetables fresh and cold.
What's the difference between my girlfriend and my uncle?
My girlfriend didn't go to jail for loving me.
What has teeth but doesn't use them to chew? The answer would be a comb or a piano, but technically, if you ripped someone's teeth out and hand them to them, they have teeth but can't chew with them.
They found water on Mars. Mars:1 Africa:0
What do you get when you put a suicide bomber in a wheel chair? An RC-XD.
What is the difference between an apple and an orphan? Orphans don't get picked.
A man tried to shoot Adolf Hitler, but missed. Then Adolf replied, "Oh shoot, I did nazi that coming!"
I like my women the way I like my sandwiches... A little meat between their buns.
A man was mowing his lawn when blue and red stuff came out instead of grass. Next thing he knew, a smurf was on his shoulder asking if he’s seen his friend.
A good dog name is Syndrome. That way when it tries attacking, you can yell, "Down, Syndrome!"
Two guys are captured by native Chinese. They give them two choices: 1. Death. 2. 他妈的
The first guy: What's 他妈的?
The Chinese: Fucking.
The first guy chooses death.
Second guy to himself: Well, I'll let these sick fucks fuck me. At least I'll be alive...
The Chinese: Come on, we don't have all day.
Second guy: I choose 他妈的.
The Chinese: Ok, 他妈的 to the death!
So I got my son a trampoline for Christmas this year, and he was so ungrateful, like he just sat there crying in his wheelchair. What has this world come to?
What's the difference between a man and a table?
The table doesn't cry when I break its legs.
1.) What’s yellow and can’t swim?
- A bus full of children.
2.) Did you hear about the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
- He died of a yeast infection.
3.) I will never forget my grandad’s last words...
- “You’re still holding the ladder, right?”
4.) I have a fish that can breakdance...
- Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.
5.) Give a man a match and he will be warm for a few hours...
- Light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
In Israel, they chop convicted rapists' balls off. Sure glad I don't live in Israel.
Like if you have balls.
My mom is the jelly, and my dad is the peanut butter. And I am the bread, the only thing keeping them together.