Morbid jokes
Producer: We need to stop testing out products on animals.
CEO: Shampoo companies do it all the time.
Fairchild Republic making the A-10 Thunder Bolt.
What hit the floor first, the kid or the feather?
The feather.
The rope stopped the kid.
I have a thousand-piece puzzle of the Japanese map. It took me ages to finish it.
But after the earthquake, I just threw all the pieces on the ground, and it's done.
Who killed Hitler goes to Heaven.
*looks up*
Oh, never mind.
What did the doctor say to the Chinese patient? "Sum ting wong."
Little Timmy said, "I had a body, eieio, now you are next!" as he shoots you.
Jim: My grandpa fought in the army during World War Two. He was an officer.
Me: Cool, what rank of officer?
Jim: SS.
Me:...
Whoever kills Hitler goes to heaven. Oh, wait... nevermind...
In school, we learned that squirrels stick their nuts in trees. So, just like my uncle Dave...
Me: Stepping on a scale to weigh myself.
Everyone else in the minefield...
I nailed my sister's... picture on the wall.
You dirty-minded bastard!
My dad and I were fishing one day.
That’s where he met my stepmom.
Child: *drinking milk*
Farmer: Hey, what are you doing?
Child: Oh, I just milked one of your cows.
Farmer: We don't have any cows, we only have bulls.
Child: *realizes*
Jokers are all about the delivery.
Except abortion jokes...
What's the difference between dementia and a strawberry?
I don't know. I forgot.
My wife of 60 years told me, "Let's go upstairs and make love."
I just sighed and said, "Choose one, I can't do both."
Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses.
His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. "My friend isn't breathing," he shouts into the phone. "What should I do?"
"Relax," the operator tells him. "I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There's silence, and then a gunshot. The guy gets back on the phone and says, "OK, now what?"
A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared."
The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone!"
Me: Hey, do you wanna hear a joke?
Friend: Sure.
Me: Why don't churches have WiFi?
Friend: Why?
Me: They can't compete with an invisible force that actually works.
There was an animal on my porch, then I shot it in the head. It was strange that it had coffee in its hand. I flipped it over, and it was an animal, but it looked a lot like my kid.