Morbid jokes
How do you surprise a blind guy? Leave the plunger in the toilet.
When I'm bored, I go into an elevator with a full duffle bag. Once people come in and the door closes, I zip open the bag a little bit and whisper to it, "I'll get you some food once we get off."
What's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff.
What's pink and rusty? Madeline McCann's bike.
What do you call a movie with kids with cancer? ... Finding Chemo.
So I went to Comic-Con and saw a man with an arm missing, and I thought, "Cool display," until I heard him screaming and getting the other arm chopped off. Then I said, "Man, now that's a 10/10 display, wow!"
What's the difference between an emo kid and a pack of Oreos? The bar code on the emo kid gets longer every day.
You find some dust on the ground. Your friends dare you to snort it... Then you realize you're in a crematorium.
My son asked me what dark humor was, so I told him, "see that kid in the wheelchair, ask him to stand." He said, "But Dad I'm blind." Exactly.
Welcome to Antonio’s pizza and abortion, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce!
A young 38 year old happy Muslim migrant living in Sydney wants to wed a beautiful young bride. He asks the local Aussie the minimum age to wed his yet unchosen bride. "Eighteen," the Aussie says, sipping a beer. "She has to be Eighteen."
Okay, the Muslim man sighed, with disappointment and walks off. Next day he arrives with a 13 year old girl.
"Wtf are you doing?" Aussie says?
"You say this is okay," Muslim replied. "Fuck no, she must be at least Eighteen you sick bastard," says Aussie, flicking away his Winnie Blue cigarette. Muslim man leaves angrily.
Next day Happy Muslim settles on a 14 year old girl from Punchbowl to be his bride. Aussies jaw drops, "What is wrong with you mate?" asks Aussie.
Muslim man replies "You tell me to choose 'a teen', 'a teen', I chose a teen and now you come for my third and now fourth choice. Fuck you!"
Aussie: "Eighteen not 'a teen' you sick mongrel."
I donated to the LGBTQ community. Hopefully now they can find a cure.
My mom said she will slam my head into my computer if I don't get off it. I'm not too worried though, I think she is just joking.
What do you call a prostitute with a major in math?
The thot that counts.
I was watching my daughter play at the park. A woman came up to me and asked which one was mine. I said I was still choosing.
Bullets.
What's the difference between a cat and a human? About 500 bullets.
Say no to drugs, kids. Suddenly, the poster disappeared. I hallucinated. Must have been the cocaine.
Roses are red, My heart, my heart is dead. I have a gun straight to my head.
When you commit suicide in your house, that's suicide, but when you commit suicide outside, you failed your parkour.
What is the difference between a rock and my girlfriend?
One is rock hard, and the other is Dwayne Johnson.