Morbid jokes
Q. What's the difference between a normal kid and an emo kid? A. One has a functioning neck.
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says $30,000.
The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
What do you call a hot tub full of special ed students?
Vegetable Soup.
A chef named his chicken Richard and named a rooster Ballz. A guy walks up and asks the chef what he's cooking. He replies, "My dick and balls."
I blend children to make a good living.
Old Mother Riley, had a fat cow.
She milked it and milked it but didn't know how, she pulled his tail, pulled his tits. Old Mother Riley was covered in sh!t.
How to punish a blind kid, rearrange his bedroom.
There was a woman from Ealing, she had a peculiar feeling. She laid on her back, opened her crack, and pissed all over the ceiling.
How do you surprise a blind guy? Leave the plunger in the toilet.
When I'm bored, I go into an elevator with a full duffle bag. Once people come in and the door closes, I zip open the bag a little bit and whisper to it, "I'll get you some food once we get off."
What's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff.
What's pink and rusty? Madeline McCann's bike.
What do you call a movie with kids with cancer? ... Finding Chemo.
So I went to Comic-Con and saw a man with an arm missing, and I thought, "Cool display," until I heard him screaming and getting the other arm chopped off. Then I said, "Man, now that's a 10/10 display, wow!"
What's the difference between an emo kid and a pack of Oreos? The bar code on the emo kid gets longer every day.
You find some dust on the ground. Your friends dare you to snort it... Then you realize you're in a crematorium.
My son asked me what dark humor was, so I told him, "see that kid in the wheelchair, ask him to stand." He said, "But Dad I'm blind." Exactly.
Welcome to Antonio’s pizza and abortion, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce!
A young 38 year old happy Muslim migrant living in Sydney wants to wed a beautiful young bride. He asks the local Aussie the minimum age to wed his yet unchosen bride. "Eighteen," the Aussie says, sipping a beer. "She has to be Eighteen."
Okay, the Muslim man sighed, with disappointment and walks off. Next day he arrives with a 13 year old girl.
"Wtf are you doing?" Aussie says?
"You say this is okay," Muslim replied. "Fuck no, she must be at least Eighteen you sick bastard," says Aussie, flicking away his Winnie Blue cigarette. Muslim man leaves angrily.
Next day Happy Muslim settles on a 14 year old girl from Punchbowl to be his bride. Aussies jaw drops, "What is wrong with you mate?" asks Aussie.
Muslim man replies "You tell me to choose 'a teen', 'a teen', I chose a teen and now you come for my third and now fourth choice. Fuck you!"
Aussie: "Eighteen not 'a teen' you sick mongrel."
I donated to the LGBTQ community. Hopefully now they can find a cure.
My mom said she will slam my head into my computer if I don't get off it. I'm not too worried though, I think she is just joking.