Morbid jokes
What did Stevie Wonder's mom do to punish him as a child?
She rearranged all the furniture.
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
Did you hear about Paul Walker's rap?
Wrapped around that tree.
If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb up to the top of your ego and jump to your IQ.
What's thick and has ice in it when you take it out of a blender?
A baby smoothie.
My friends used to poke me at weddings and say, "You're next."
So I started poking them at funerals and saying, "You're next" to my friends.
Where did Sally go during the bombing?
Everywhere.
Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. However, the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.
The first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.
They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed. But you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, "Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!"
Why do hospitals have fans?
To keep the vegetables fresh and cold.
How do you make a builder cry?
Kill his family.
Why did Sally fall off the swing? Someone chucked a brick at her.
Why did Sally throw a clock out the window? She had brain damage from the brick.
And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.
What did the Nazi order from Wendy's?
Two number NEINs.
What do you do with a frozen vegetable?
You wait for it to thaw.
What does a baby in a blender look like?
I don’t know, I close my eyes when I masturbate.
What’s the difference between bowling balls and babies?
You can unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 Victims, they went through 89 stories in 7 seconds.
When the school shooter leaves your classroom and the autistic kid’s sketchers light up.
What did the Hiroshima survivor say about the day Little Boy dropped? "It was a blast!"
Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me. I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed. She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead.
Well, the years start coming and they don't stop coming. Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running. Didn't make sense not to live for fun. Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb.
So much to do, so much to see So what's wrong with taking the back streets? You'll never know if you don't go. You'll never shine if you don't glow.
[Chorus:] Hey, now, you're an All Star, get your game on, go play Hey, now, you're a Rock Star, get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold Only shooting stars break the mold.
It's a cool place and they say it gets colder. You're bundled up now wait 'til you get older. But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture.
The ice we skate is getting pretty thin. The water's getting warm so you might as well swim. My world's on fire. How about yours? That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored.
[Chorus 2x]
Somebody once asked could I spare some change for gas. I need to get myself away from this place. I said yep, what a concept I could use a little fuel myself And we could all use a little change.
Well, the years start coming and they don't stop coming. Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running. Didn't make sense not to live for fun. Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb.
So much to do, so much to see. So what's wrong with taking the back streets? You'll never know if you don't go. You'll never shine if you don't glow.
[Chorus]
And all that glitters is gold Only shooting stars break the mold.