Morbid Jokes

What do you do with a frozen vegetable?

You wait for it to thaw.

What does a baby in a blender look like?

I don’t know, I close my eyes when I masturbate.

What’s the difference between bowling balls and babies?

You can unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork

Who are the fastest readers in the world?

9/11 Victims, they went through 89 stories in 7 seconds.

When the school shooter leaves your classroom and the autistic kid’s sketchers light up.

What did the Hiroshima survivor say about the day Little Boy dropped? "It was a blast!"

Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me. I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed. She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead.

Well, the years start coming and they don't stop coming. Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running. Didn't make sense not to live for fun. Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb.

So much to do, so much to see So what's wrong with taking the back streets? You'll never know if you don't go. You'll never shine if you don't glow.

[Chorus:] Hey, now, you're an All Star, get your game on, go play Hey, now, you're a Rock Star, get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold Only shooting stars break the mold.

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder. You're bundled up now wait 'til you get older. But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture.

The ice we skate is getting pretty thin. The water's getting warm so you might as well swim. My world's on fire. How about yours? That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored.

[Chorus 2x]

Somebody once asked could I spare some change for gas. I need to get myself away from this place. I said yep, what a concept I could use a little fuel myself And we could all use a little change.

Well, the years start coming and they don't stop coming. Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running. Didn't make sense not to live for fun. Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb.

So much to do, so much to see. So what's wrong with taking the back streets? You'll never know if you don't go. You'll never shine if you don't glow.

[Chorus]

And all that glitters is gold Only shooting stars break the mold.

At a date:

He: "I work with animals every day."

Me: "Oh, how sweet! What do you do?"

He: "I'm a butcher."

Did you know that Germany came up with sparkling water?

Who else would think of adding gas?

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it looked in the mirror

There were three men, and two of them died.

The last man alive said, "That's two less mouths to feed!"

Little Natalie was playing with matches. Her mother caught her, took them, whupped her, and told her never to play with matches again.

A few minutes later, Little Natalie was playing with matches again. The curtains caught fire, and the house burned down.

Another few minutes later, when she and her mother were sitting at their neighbors', her mother told her: "If you think I gave you a whupping, wait till your father gets home!"

Little Natalie just cackled with delight because she knew her father had gotten home earlier and gone upstairs to take a nap.

How do you get an emo out of a tree?

Cut the rope.

What was the last thing to go through the heads of the 9/11 jumpers?

Their ankles.

What's the difference between a gay guy and a freezer?

The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

Teacher: Kids, what are some things you have that make you happy? Kid 1: I have my family to make me happy. Kid 2: I have my friends to make me happy. Teacher: What about you, Sean? Sean: I have to take pills to make me happy...