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Morbid jokes

Morbid jokes

Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me. I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed. She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead.

Well, the years start coming and they don't stop coming. Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running. Didn't make sense not to live for fun. Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb.

So much to do, so much to see So what's wrong with taking the back streets? You'll never know if you don't go. You'll never shine if you don't glow.

[Chorus:] Hey, now, you're an All Star, get your game on, go play Hey, now, you're a Rock Star, get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold Only shooting stars break the mold.

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder. You're bundled up now wait 'til you get older. But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture.

The ice we skate is getting pretty thin. The water's getting warm so you might as well swim. My world's on fire. How about yours? That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored.

[Chorus 2x]

Somebody once asked could I spare some change for gas. I need to get myself away from this place. I said yep, what a concept I could use a little fuel myself And we could all use a little change.

Well, the years start coming and they don't stop coming. Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running. Didn't make sense not to live for fun. Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb.

So much to do, so much to see. So what's wrong with taking the back streets? You'll never know if you don't go. You'll never shine if you don't glow.

[Chorus]

And all that glitters is gold Only shooting stars break the mold.

At a date:

He: "I work with animals every day."

Me: "Oh, how sweet! What do you do?"

He: "I'm a butcher."

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    • Did you know that Germany came up with sparkling water?

    Who else would think of adding gas?

    There were three men, and two of them died.

    The last man alive said, "That's two less mouths to feed!"

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    • Little Natalie was playing with matches. Her mother caught her, took them, whupped her, and told her never to play with matches again.

    A few minutes later, Little Natalie was playing with matches again. The curtains caught fire, and the house burned down.

    Another few minutes later, when she and her mother were sitting at their neighbors', her mother told her: "If you think I gave you a whupping, wait till your father gets home!"

    Little Natalie just cackled with delight because she knew her father had gotten home earlier and gone upstairs to take a nap.

    What was the last thing to go through the heads of the 9/11 jumpers?

    Their ankles.

  • 0

    • Teacher: Kids, what are some things you have that make you happy? Kid 1: I have my family to make me happy. Kid 2: I have my friends to make me happy. Teacher: What about you, Sean? Sean: I have to take pills to make me happy...

    So, a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods.

    Boy: "Hey mister, it's getting dark out and I'm scared!"

    Man: "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone!"

    What's worse than a dead baby?

    A pile of dead babies. What's worse than that? The one on the bottom is alive. And what's worst than that is, the baby has to eat its way out.

    What do you call a blonde in the freezer?

    Her parents named her Cindy, so we should probably continue to call her that. She was supposed to graduate tomorrow.

  • 5

    • I named my daughter Kennedy so when I talked about how her brain was shot out of her head, people just thought I paid really close attention in history.

  • 0

    • If you have a daughter, give her the same name as the mum; that way when you call for a beer, you get two beers, and when you call for sex, you get two sex...

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