9/11.
When I'm sad, I cut myself...A PIECE OF CAKE!
I opened a company selling landmines disguised as prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
ur mum gay lul
Why can’t orphans play baseball? They don’t know where home is.
A man sacrificed children who played Roblox, so when someone knocked on the door, they said, "An administrator has banned you from heaven!"
What's the difference between a school and an ISIS military base? Don't ask me, I only fly the drone.
Any joke can be funny with the right delivery. Except abortion jokes, because there is no delivery.
What did Stevie Wonder's mom do to punish him as a child?
She rearranged all the furniture.
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
Did you hear about Paul Walker's rap?
Wrapped around that tree.
If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb up to the top of your ego and jump to your IQ.
What's thick and has ice in it when you take it out of a blender?
A baby smoothie.
My friends used to poke me at weddings and say, "You're next."
So I started poking them at funerals and saying, "You're next" to my friends.
Where did Sally go during the bombing?
Everywhere.
Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. However, the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.
The first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.
They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed. But you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, "Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!"
Why do hospitals have fans?
To keep the vegetables fresh and cold.
How do you make a builder cry?
Kill his family.
Why did Sally fall off the swing? Someone chucked a brick at her.
Why did Sally throw a clock out the window? She had brain damage from the brick.
And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.
