Morbid jokes

So, a kid walks in the house and says, "Mommy, Mommy, I found daddy!" And the mother says, "Stop digging around in the garden, and let your father rest in peace."

I'll never forget how my grandmother died. "This lemonade tastes like bleach..."

How do you fit three flags on a bar stool?

Flip it over!

Don’t worry if you have a stroke.

You’ll be all right.

Babies can spread a nasty smell,

especially when you haven't fed them for a month.

You'll end up DEAD if you don't stop COFFIN!!!

My friend was a victim of a school shooting once, but he couldn't tell if they were in the library because of the suppressor on his AR.

I like my humor like my people. Well done.

You know you're ugly when you get handed the camera every time your friends have a group picture.

Q: What's 8 inches and makes my wife scream when I put it in her mouth?

A: Her dead fetus.

Friend: How dark is your humor?

Me: It gets beat by the cops on a daily basis.

When I was a kid, I used to read a lot. I mainly grew up reading stories by Shakespeare, especially the story Romeo & Juliet. That one in particular taught me a valuable life lesson. It taught me to not be surprised when my girlfriend killed herself.

What do you call a bullet head?

JFK.

What is the most expensive haircut? Chemotherapy.

What's the best part about having emo grass?

It cuts itself!

Religion... That is all.

Why is 7 afraid of 6?

Because 7 is a vegetarian and 6 is a cannibal.

"Roses are red. Violets are red. My parents' bed is red. Oh shit, I set the house on fire!"

Freddie Mercury was on top of the music world. That's only the 2nd thing he was a top in.

What's yellow and can't swim?

A bus full of children.