Morbid Jokes

You got a dig bick.

You read that wrong.

You read that wrong too.

Maybe you read that wrong as well.

You just went and back-checked.

You reread all of that.

You have a pet wussy.

You read that wrong...

You need mental help.

Who reads the fastest?

The pilot of the plane who hit one of the twin towers. He took out 83 stories in one go.

EU Delegate: "Sir, your country has the highest corruption and crime rate out of any other member nations. What do you have to say?"

Ambassador: *tries slipping the delegate 40 Euros* "You didn't see any statistics."

"Why do people call Americans excessive?"

"It was probably because of WWII."

"Oh, you mean the war where America responded to the destruction of several ships and a harbor and the deaths of a little over a thousand by completely flattening two cities and killing hundreds of thousands of people?"

There's a plane going down over the desert with only 3 parachutes on board. There are four people onboard: the smartest man in the world, the best doctor in the world, an old priest, and a young nerd. The doctor says, "People need me for my medical skills," grabs the first parachute pack, and jumps. The smartest man in the world says, "People need me for my intelligence," grabs a pack, and jumps. The old priest says, "I have lived a long and happy life. You take the last chute." The nerd says, "Don't worry. There are enough chutes for the both of us. The smartest man in the world just grabbed my backpack."

*Loud explosion inside the tank*

"Where's the commander?" "He's gone." "Where has he gone?" "All over the place."

Famous last words:

"Don't worry man, it's not even loaded."

I bet my friend $5 that he would die drowning.

A depressing but satisfying victory.

"You're da bomb!" "No, you're da bomb!"

In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.

Say what you want about Hitler, he wasn't all that bad. After all, he killed Hitler.

I asked my uncle why he was living on the streets.

He said that he wasn't always on the streets, he used to have a job at these two towers. I asked him what happened, and he said two planes happened.

What do you do after your girlfriend with two broken legs dumps you?

Take her wheelchair, she'll come crawling back.

Why did Paul Walker drown?

Because he was too busy carpooling.

What's the difference between my dad and my stepdad?

My stepdad beat my ass before he left.

what's the difference between a baby and a trampoline? the trampoline doesn't cave in when i jump on it.

I was in Alabama last year. I walked into a store and noticed a couple kissing each other, and I said, "Excuse me, where is the bathroom?" The man said, "Right over there." I went into the bathroom and then heard the girl say, "Dad, I have to go to school soon."