Morbid jokes
I bet my friend $5 that he would die drowning.
A depressing but satisfying victory.
"You're da bomb!" "No, you're da bomb!"
In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.
Say what you want about Hitler, he wasn't all that bad. After all, he killed Hitler.
I asked my uncle why he was living on the streets.
He said that he wasn't always on the streets, he used to have a job at these two towers. I asked him what happened, and he said two planes happened.
What do you do after your girlfriend with two broken legs dumps you?
Take her wheelchair, she'll come crawling back.
Why did Paul Walker drown?
Because he was too busy carpooling.
What's the difference between my dad and my stepdad?
My stepdad beat my ass before he left.
what's the difference between a baby and a trampoline? the trampoline doesn't cave in when i jump on it.
I was in Alabama last year. I walked into a store and noticed a couple kissing each other, and I said, "Excuse me, where is the bathroom?" The man said, "Right over there." I went into the bathroom and then heard the girl say, "Dad, I have to go to school soon."
My dad and cancer go into a fight. I never saw my dad after that.
A husband walks into his house to find his wife watching Gordon Ramsay's F-king cooking show!
Husband: "Stop watching that f-king sh*t! You can't cook to save your life!"
Wife: "So what?! You watch porn, don't you?!"
What's the darkest point in the universe?
The inside of a KFC.
What’s the similarity between your uncle and your hands?
They can both do dirty things.
My Japanese friend told me a Pearl Harbor joke. I told him he bombed it.
"Hippoty hoppity, women are property."
Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, and Angela Merkel are standing at the shore and are trying to impress each other with the accomplishments of their countries. Putin brags, "We have nuclear submarines which can stay underwater for six weeks without having to resurface!". Trump goes on, "Six weeks? That's nothing. I have the best submarines, they're underwater für at least three months!". Merkel is about to respond, when a giant steel colossus emerges from the sea. A hatch opens, a black uniform appears - "Heil Hitler! We need Diesel."
Break a wine glass: I give you bad luck for a year.
Break a mirror: Funny wine glass, I give you bad luck for 7 years.
Breaking a condom: Haha so funny mirror.
Why does Mexico not have an Olympic team? Because everyone who can run, jump, and swim is already in America.
Why don't orphans play baseball?
Because they don't know where home is.
What do shemales and barns have in common?
Cocks.