My Japanese friend told me a Pearl Harbor joke. I told him he bombed it.
Morbid Jokes
"Hippoty hoppity, women are property."
Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, and Angela Merkel are standing at the shore and are trying to impress each other with the accomplishments of their countries. Putin brags, "We have nuclear submarines which can stay underwater for six weeks without having to resurface!". Trump goes on, "Six weeks? That's nothing. I have the best submarines, they're underwater für at least three months!". Merkel is about to respond, when a giant steel colossus emerges from the sea. A hatch opens, a black uniform appears - "Heil Hitler! We need Diesel."
Break a wine glass: I give you bad luck for a year.
Break a mirror: Funny wine glass, I give you bad luck for 7 years.
Breaking a condom: Haha so funny mirror.
Why does Mexico not have an Olympic team? Because everyone who can run, jump, and swim is already in America.
Why don't orphans play baseball?
Because they don't know where home is.
What do shemales and barns have in common?
Cocks.
You'd think my son would be happy that Daddy bought him a new bike. But no... oh no, he just sits in his wheelchair and cries like a little girl.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, because they beat the room for being dark, then arrest the room for being broke.
How many feminazis does it take to change a light bulb?
None, because they can't change anything.
I love fire. My friends love it too. When I set them on fire, they run around and scream. They sometimes get so tired they immediately fall asleep forever. Also, they need a shower.
What kind of file turns a 1.5 cm hole into a 4.5 cm hole?
A pedophile.
What's green then red all over and goes 100mph?
A frog in a blender.
When you lose a game of Kahoot, so you kashoot up the school.
Crucifixion was the first T-pose.
A man walks into a bar. He takes a seat and asks the barman if he wanted to hear a blonde joke. The barman replies, "Before you tell this joke, I want to tell you something. See the woman over there? She is a black belt in karate, she's blonde. See the bouncer over there? He is also a blonde. See the chick over there with that pool cue? She is also blonde. Also, I have a shotgun behind the bar. I'm blonde. So do you still want to tell your joke?" He replies, "F**k that. I ain't explaining the joke 4 times."
Ben Inkster, more like gay.
How do you clean ash off a stove with chemicals?
Patient: "I'm starting to forget things."
Doctor: "Since when have you had this condition?"
Patient: "What condition?"
There's 3 things I hate.
1. Jokes
2. Lists
3. Irony.
