Morbid jokes
Boy: Mom, why are you drinking this disgusting red soup? I wanted salad.
Mom: Quiet, son. We only get this once a month.
My friend died from an allergic reaction. He gave me an EpiPen while he was dying, so now I have something to remember him from.
What goes 100mph and bounces up and down? A baby tied to the back of a truck.
Teacher: Why did the skeleton know the weather outside?
Student: 'Cause he could feel it in his bones.
Teacher: No, he read the weather report, you fucking idiot.
Loser.
Why does shit come out your asshole? Cause fuck you, that's why.
Csgo is just practice for when you want to one tap some 3rd graders
I hate it when people say to suck it up... I mean, sometimes I don’t want someone’s dick in my face.
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you've told her twice.
"Don’t be dumb, make sure she’s numb."
- Bill Cosby
What's the worst thing about eating a vegetable?
The wheelchair.
A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.
The cop asks the woman, "Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?"
She replies, "Well, there's a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers."
The cop asks, "So what did you do about it?"
The old lady says, "I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!"
"That seems fair enough," the cop says, "so what's in the other sack?"
The old lady replies with, "Not everyone pays..."
Don’t you just wanna hang around, like Chester?
Okay, so basically I'm monky.
My life, your life, and your sister is a slut.
When you’re hunting at a forest resort and you shoot a deer, but then you remember that there are no deer at the forest resort.
I like my women like I like my steak...
Bloody.
What’s the difference between prison and concentration camps?
At least you don’t die when you shower.
My mom gave me a golden shovel and a hoe. I said, "Why do I need this?" She said, "That you every year."
Me: Have you ever tried African food?
You: No.
Me: They haven't either.