Morbid jokes

You'd think my son would be happy that Daddy bought him a new bike. But no... oh no, he just sits in his wheelchair and cries like a little girl.

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, because they beat the room for being dark, then arrest the room for being broke.

How many feminazis does it take to change a light bulb?

None, because they can't change anything.

I love fire. My friends love it too. When I set them on fire, they run around and scream. They sometimes get so tired they immediately fall asleep forever. Also, they need a shower.

What kind of file turns a 1.5 cm hole into a 4.5 cm hole?

A pedophile.

What's green then red all over and goes 100mph?

A frog in a blender.

When you lose a game of Kahoot, so you kashoot up the school.

Crucifixion was the first T-pose.

A man walks into a bar. He takes a seat and asks the barman if he wanted to hear a blonde joke. The barman replies, "Before you tell this joke, I want to tell you something. See the woman over there? She is a black belt in karate, she's blonde. See the bouncer over there? He is also a blonde. See the chick over there with that pool cue? She is also blonde. Also, I have a shotgun behind the bar. I'm blonde. So do you still want to tell your joke?" He replies, "F**k that. I ain't explaining the joke 4 times."

Ben Inkster, more like gay.

How do you clean ash off a stove with chemicals?

Patient: "I'm starting to forget things."

Doctor: "Since when have you had this condition?"

Patient: "What condition?"

There's 3 things I hate.

1. Jokes

2. Lists

3. Irony.

What is the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face for my birthday.

The greatest bond you will ever have is the one with your conjoined twin.

When the school lets you near children again...

When the teacher calls on you and asks you how many people did Hitler kill?

"One, he killed himself."

What can you say both at a funeral and during sex?

This would be much better if you were alive.

What's the difference between my phone and my sister?

I actually give a damn if my phone dies.

Did you hear about the unborn fetus? Oh wait, never mind, it must have been aborted from the sight.