What is the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?
I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face for my birthday.
Morbid Jokes
The greatest bond you will ever have is the one with your conjoined twin.
When the school lets you near children again...
When the teacher calls on you and asks you how many people did Hitler kill?
"One, he killed himself."
What can you say both at a funeral and during sex?
This would be much better if you were alive.
What's the difference between my phone and my sister?
I actually give a damn if my phone dies.
Did you hear about the unborn fetus? Oh wait, never mind, it must have been aborted from the sight.
What's the worst thing about having a Congolese friend?
He always needs a hand.
Q: How can you tell that a pedophile likes music?
A: He rapes D minor.
A guy goes onto a rooftop bar and is sitting next to a guy who says he’s drinking a magical drink. He asks, “What’s so magical about it?” The guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. The other tries, but falls off and dies.
The bartender shakes his head and says, “Y’know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”
That awkward moment when you're checking yourself out in the window of a car and you realize there's somebody inside.
A boy walks up to a girl and says, "I would tell you a joke about my dick, but it's too long." Then the girl says, "Yeah, I would tell you a joke about my pussy, but you'll never get it."
A blind teenager who is bad at reading wants to go hunting, so he finds a hunting ground called s-ch-ool.
I wish I didn't have depression because all my friends have "BBC Bitch be crazy" disease.
A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "Do you have any problems with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit says, "No." So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
"Morbidity, the story of my life in one joke."
Baby > commits start breathing.
Mom > commits abort.
Baby > commits ohshit.exe
Why couldn't the penguin cross the road?
It was ran over. 🐧
An American is lecturing a British person, saying things like "it's an elevator, not a lift" and "it's chips, not crisps" etc. After a while of this, the British person calmly retorted, "they're schools, not shooting ranges."
What's long, black, and sticky?
A stick.
