The last thing that went through Abe Lincoln's head was a bullet.
Morbid Jokes
Who goes to a comedian show and gets offended?
A feminist.
Tate
Where are you not allowed to go trick or treating as a ghost?
Harlem, New York.
What do you call a swearing piece of shit?
Cus-turd.
Three guys are escaping from North Korea through a tunnel.
The guards know that they are coming and will shoot them with paintball guns as a warning.
The guys show up and the guards shoot them.
The guys die because the guards used real guns.
When my friend says I suck at something, I'm like, "U swallow."
What's the difference between a pope/preacher and acne?
Acne comes on your face when you're 13.
You wanna know what I want for Christmas? My dad to come back with the milk he said he was gonna get.
Alien vs Predator.
Cosby vs E.T.
Roses are red, the sky is blue, what do you do? Oh, never mind, I'm not homo like you.
What's the difference between my dad and a hooker?
Hookers come back.
What is it called if your mom does not make it to your birth?...
An abortion.
What’s the difference between a baby and a beet?
Beets stain your teeth.
What’s the similarity between a penis and a lollipop?
Kids can take both.
I lost my bag. :(
This year my friends wanted to dress up as crayons for Halloween. They asked me if I wanted to be a tan crayon. I didn’t want to, but I said yes to be nice. I wish I had said no, because now I look like a dick to everyone else.
I like my women like I like my coffee.
Without other people's dicks in it.
Monky.
A man got in a bad car accident. He was at risk of losing his arm. The doctors had to perform complicated surgery on his arm. The man's wife visited after the surgery. The doctor came up to her and said:
"I have good news and bad news."
The wife said: "What's the good news?"
"We managed to save his arm."
"What's the bad news?"
"We couldn't save the rest of him."
