Morbid jokes
I remember my grandfather's last words: "Is that loaded?"
*Knock Knock* Who's there? Social Services...
If you wanna hit somebody, hit an orphan, what are they gonna do... tell their parents?
I have a penis.
How's that for a fucking joke? It's not a joke. It's terrible.
500 thumbs down and I'll lop off my dick with a razor.
What's the difference between your mom and your dad? One leaves your life to go get milk, and the other cleans up after you, feeds you, and does your laundry.
Sometimes you just need to take a drive through the city to clear your head.
-JFK
How do you paint a wall red?
You shoot a baby with a .50 cal.
Today, my mom gave me a lecture on how to stay safe during school shootings. When my brother walked past, my mom asked me a question: "What do you think of going through kids' heads during a school shooting?" That's when my brother came back downstairs and said to me and my mom, "Bullets." We don't talk about this anymore.
What's the difference between a blonde and your computer?
You don't want your computer to go down on you.
What do you call nuts on your chest? Chestnuts.
What do you call nuts on the wall? Walnuts.
What do you call nuts on your chin? A blowjob.
My friends and I were talking about this really ugly girl at our school. For some reason, she had the same name as me.
I did phone sex, but I'll never do it again because last time my penis got stuck in the charging cord.
Today; worst day ever.
My annoying sibling got hit by a train, and I lost my job as a conductor.
A man had moved to a new country with his dog and with basic understanding of the language. One day he heard people talking about a place for dogs, so he took his dog there, telling them he wanted his dog to be groomed.
The man behind the counter responded with "yes happy dog, come back in little hours." So the man left and came back a couple hours later. When he asked about his dog, he was given a box of jerky. He found out "Happy Dog" was the name of the place where dogs become food.
This guy walks into a library one day and asks the librarian for a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian says, "F*** no, you won’t return it!"
He is dead.
What's the difference between cancer and a baby?..
There is none.
What's the difference between a yandere and a gun?
Nothing.
Flip them off the wrong way and you're dead.
My cousin died last week. He needed a blood transfusion, but we didn't know his blood type. He just kept saying, "B positive, B positive," but it's hard to be positive with him gone.
Where did Janet go during the bombing? Everywhere.