Morbid jokes
What's the difference between a blonde and your computer?
You don't want your computer to go down on you.
What do you call nuts on your chest? Chestnuts.
What do you call nuts on the wall? Walnuts.
What do you call nuts on your chin? A blowjob.
My friends and I were talking about this really ugly girl at our school. For some reason, she had the same name as me.
I did phone sex, but I'll never do it again because last time my penis got stuck in the charging cord.
Today; worst day ever.
My annoying sibling got hit by a train, and I lost my job as a conductor.
A man had moved to a new country with his dog and with basic understanding of the language. One day he heard people talking about a place for dogs, so he took his dog there, telling them he wanted his dog to be groomed.
The man behind the counter responded with "yes happy dog, come back in little hours." So the man left and came back a couple hours later. When he asked about his dog, he was given a box of jerky. He found out "Happy Dog" was the name of the place where dogs become food.
This guy walks into a library one day and asks the librarian for a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian says, "F*** no, you won’t return it!"
He is dead.
What's the difference between cancer and a baby?..
There is none.
What's the difference between a yandere and a gun?
Nothing.
Flip them off the wrong way and you're dead.
My cousin died last week. He needed a blood transfusion, but we didn't know his blood type. He just kept saying, "B positive, B positive," but it's hard to be positive with him gone.
Where did Janet go during the bombing? Everywhere.
What do you think is going through kids' heads during school shootings? Bullets.
What does a lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
"Same time next month?"
Two men are in a rainforest, and one of them is peeing. Suddenly, a snake jumps out of some bushes and bites the man’s penis. The other man says, “Oh my God, I will go to a doctor immediately!” He didn’t have enough time to load the man into the car, so he went straight to the hospital. The man told the doctor what happened, and the doctor said, “You will have to make an incision at the wound and suck the poison out.” The man went back to the other man and said, “There is no hope, you will die.”
When I was younger, I thought that it was cool to use knives because kids used to ask me to use them.
By the way, have you seen my sister?
What’s worse than dropping your ice cream?
The Holocaust.
What looks like peanut butter and jelly, and makes a woman scream?
Afterbirth.
Stop saying negative shit about dark humor jokes! If it bugs you that bad, then go away! That'll solve everything but world hunger and failed abortion.
Without women, sex would be a pain in the ass.