Morbid jokes

If Martin Luther King were white, what would they call him?

Alive.

Why did the Chicken cross the road?

It didn’t, it ran because it was running from KFC.

I named my dog Chicken.

I love eating chicken.

What does the Bible stand for?

Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.

My happiest moment in life was getting a positive grade on my H.I.V. test without studying.

Where did the chef put the disease?

In Ebola.

Arby's fast food and abortion clinic: Your dead babies are our taters and gravy.

"Grandma, tell me a story!" I said as we huddled near the campfire.

"Alright," she said, "Once, there was a tree named Timmy, he was my best tree friend. I used to read books under him and climb all his branches."

"Where is Timmy now?" I asked.

Grandma pointed to the campfire.

My fifth wife asked me to help her dig in the garden. Here we go again.

...... fuck the turtles...... THE END

Man: What's up?

Me: I'm annoyed.

Man: Why?

Me: I stole my gf's heart.

Man: So why are you annoyed?

Me: Everyone else in the surgery room gave me weird looks.

When it's been Halloween for a few months, but there's still a body hanging from your neighbor's tree.

A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window, and jumps out.

What’s the difference between Isaac Newton and my Dad?

Isaac Newton didn’t beat me half to death with a pipe wrench.

Aunt: Stop telling the kids Santa isn't real.

Me: Stop telling them their dad is going to get milk.

We're all unique, which is something we all have in common.

When you're mean to the quiet kid in your class and he kills everyone, good times.

My name.

My mom said to let Jesus come inside me; now I can't sit down.

What does Santa say about my mom? HO HO HO!