Morbid jokes
hg is cool.
After a surgery, a man claimed he couldn't feel his legs. I replied, "Of course not, I amputated your fucking arms!"
Jupiter
The colors red, white, and blue are the colors of freedom. Until they are flashing behind you.
A teacher is doing an experiment about taste. She tells each student to line up so she can give them each a lifesaver, so they can tell her what flavor it is. She gives Suzy a pineapple one. Suzy tries it, says the flavor, and then goes and sits back down. That is the same for everyone, then it is Jhonny's turn. The teacher hands him a honey flavor one. Jhonny chews it for a while, then says,
"Teacher, I don't know what it is.". The teacher tries to give him a hint and says, "it's what your parents call each other when you are asleep". Immediately the boy behind Jhonny screams, "Spit it out Jhonny, it's an asshole!!!"
What’s the difference between a cat and a dog?
It’s easier to throw a cat against the wall.
If Martin Luther King were white, what would they call him?
Alive.
Why did the Chicken cross the road?
It didn’t, it ran because it was running from KFC.
I named my dog Chicken.
I love eating chicken.
What does the Bible stand for?
Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.
My happiest moment in life was getting a positive grade on my H.I.V. test without studying.
Where did the chef put the disease?
In Ebola.
Arby's fast food and abortion clinic: Your dead babies are our taters and gravy.
"Grandma, tell me a story!" I said as we huddled near the campfire.
"Alright," she said, "Once, there was a tree named Timmy, he was my best tree friend. I used to read books under him and climb all his branches."
"Where is Timmy now?" I asked.
Grandma pointed to the campfire.
My fifth wife asked me to help her dig in the garden. Here we go again.
...... fuck the turtles...... THE END
Man: What's up?
Me: I'm annoyed.
Man: Why?
Me: I stole my gf's heart.
Man: So why are you annoyed?
Me: Everyone else in the surgery room gave me weird looks.
When it's been Halloween for a few months, but there's still a body hanging from your neighbor's tree.
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window, and jumps out.
What’s the difference between Isaac Newton and my Dad?
Isaac Newton didn’t beat me half to death with a pipe wrench.