"Grandma, tell me a story!" I said as we huddled near the campfire.
"Alright," she said, "Once, there was a tree named Timmy, he was my best tree friend. I used to read books under him and climb all his branches."
"Where is Timmy now?" I asked.
Grandma pointed to the campfire.
My fifth wife asked me to help her dig in the garden. Here we go again.
...... fuck the turtles...... THE END
Man: What's up?
Me: I'm annoyed.
Man: Why?
Me: I stole my gf's heart.
Man: So why are you annoyed?
Me: Everyone else in the surgery room gave me weird looks.
When it's been Halloween for a few months, but there's still a body hanging from your neighbor's tree.
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window, and jumps out.
What’s the difference between Isaac Newton and my Dad?
Isaac Newton didn’t beat me half to death with a pipe wrench.
Aunt: Stop telling the kids Santa isn't real.
Me: Stop telling them their dad is going to get milk.
We're all unique, which is something we all have in common.
When you're mean to the quiet kid in your class and he kills everyone, good times.
My name.
My mom said to let Jesus come inside me; now I can't sit down.
What does Santa say about my mom? HO HO HO!
I love working with animals, especially when I get to hear their cries of help.
I named my dog "5 miles" so when I walk him, I can say I walked 5 miles.
Random guy: I ran over 5 miles.
What does a deaf person do when they hear people scream? I don't know; it's not like they're gonna hear it anyway.
Follow me on Instagram: @Lavderi
Q. What's the difference between people and a toilet?
A. Neither does R. Kelly.
Dad: How was your trip to the park?
Daughter: It was good until the man came along.
Dad: *gasps* Whatever happened, it wasn't your fault, but tell Daddy, what happened?
Daughter: He made my friends go away so it was just me and him... then he took my dress off...
Dad: Oh God, what next?
Daughter: Nothing, that was it.
Dad: Oh, come on! That wasn't exciting, make something up!
I don't understand the plane crash at 9/11. My dad was a great pilot!
