Morbid jokes

A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window, and jumps out.

What’s the difference between Isaac Newton and my Dad?

Isaac Newton didn’t beat me half to death with a pipe wrench.

Aunt: Stop telling the kids Santa isn't real.

Me: Stop telling them their dad is going to get milk.

We're all unique, which is something we all have in common.

When you're mean to the quiet kid in your class and he kills everyone, good times.

My name.

My mom said to let Jesus come inside me; now I can't sit down.

What does Santa say about my mom? HO HO HO!

I love working with animals, especially when I get to hear their cries of help.

I named my dog "5 miles" so when I walk him, I can say I walked 5 miles.

Random guy: I ran over 5 miles.

What does a deaf person do when they hear people scream? I don't know; it's not like they're gonna hear it anyway.

Follow me on Instagram: @Lavderi

Q. What's the difference between people and a toilet?

A. Neither does R. Kelly.

Dad: How was your trip to the park?

Daughter: It was good until the man came along.

Dad: *gasps* Whatever happened, it wasn't your fault, but tell Daddy, what happened?

Daughter: He made my friends go away so it was just me and him... then he took my dress off...

Dad: Oh God, what next?

Daughter: Nothing, that was it.

Dad: Oh, come on! That wasn't exciting, make something up!

I don't understand the plane crash at 9/11. My dad was a great pilot!

What's black and white?

History.

You're walking on the street when you realize that you're in the road as you feel the horn dying away.

I comforted my friend about his wife's death, until I found out who did it.

Three nuns are talking, and the first nun says, "You would never believe what I discovered." Intrigued, the others signal her to continue. "I found a phone in the priest's room," said the first nun. "Oh, that's nothing," said the second one. "I found condoms in one of his drawers." said the second one. "What did you do with them?" said the first nun. Pridefully, the second nun responds with, "I poked holes in all of them." and the third nun says, "Oh sh*t...."

How do you know if someone is anorexic? You toss them a onion ring and see if they eat it, or use it as a hula hoop.