Morbid jokes

Man 1: I-I ran my mom over to get a stupid book.

Man 2: Aww, books aren't that bad. I'm sure she thinks you're a great son considering she can't drive anymore.

Man 1: She was in the road, and I was rushing to get the last copy of this book. She can't drive or do anything anymore.

My dad is like my depression, you need a suicide letter to find him.

I wish my dog was depressed so she can cut her own nails.

What do you call a modern-day plague doctor? A COVID doctor.

What do you call a green boner? The Grinch.

How do you get a baby to stop crying?

Simple... you staple its mouth shut.

Today, I learned that a group of piranhas can maul a small child down to the bone in under 20 seconds. Well, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

I pushed a disabled kid in a fire, then called him "hot wheels."

Me: Now I know why Michael Jackson turned white.

The police: You finally figured it out.

My wife left me yesterday.

I haven't talked to the kids in a year.

Your reflection.

You know, life as a pufferfish is tough. They get startled, then they get hard.

What is long, brown, and cures depression?

A noose.

What's the difference between a mole and a priest?

One will till your 13 to put hairs on your face.

Me: punching a kid.

My FBI agent: You're adopted.

You really can't call Stalin bad, just think about the kids that depression.

I might have to back down on this because it is usually aimed for little children.

My diet consists of Blood Pudding, I love it and have it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, my secret ingredient though?

It consists of the blood and insides of my victims, it’s a bit chunky sometimes, some bits chewy, some bits hard, but it’s a hearty meal.

Cops go to the hood when the shooting range is closed.

Cut.