Money jokes

My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore, so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."

I was going to buy a pocket calculator. But then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have?

I won the lottery for a million dollars today, so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

I now have $999,999.75.

Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says, "I can't believe I blew forty bucks in there."

What do you call a man with 6.022 x 10^23 dollars?

A Moleionaire.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. -- I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

What concert costs 45 cents? -- 50 Cent feat. Nickelback.

Yo mama so poor, she can't even pay attention.

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.

Last night, I fucked a chick named Penny. What are the odds?

How does a prostitute make more than a drug dealer?

Because she can clean her crack and sell it again.

Give a man a gun, and he will rob a bank.

Give a man a bank, and he will rob everyone.

What's the cheapest kind of meat you can buy?

Deer balls. They're under a buck.

I used to be a banker...

But then I lost interest.

What do you call a person that inherits a lot of money?

A millionheir.

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

You can keep the tip.