What has a head and tail but no legs?
A penny.
Money Jokes
The IRS came to this man's house one day and told him to come in the next morning to talk about all the money that's been coming in and out of his bank account. So the man thought, "Maybe I need to get a lawyer." So he and his lawyer get to the IRS's office and sit down, and the agent said, "There has been a large amount of money flowing in and out of your account, and we wanted to know if you knew anything about it." The man says, "Yes, I do. I'm a gambler." The agent says, "You gamble with that much money?" The man says, "Yes, I'll give you an example. Alright, I bet you $5,000 that I can bite my left eye." Agent says, "Alright, deal." The man takes out his fake eye and bites it. Then the agent says, "That's not fair." The man says, "I'll let you get your money back, or even more. I bet you $7,500 I can bite my right eye." The agent, thinking, "I didn't see him come in with a guide dog or a stick," so the agent says, "Deal." The man takes out his false teeth and bites his right eye. The agent then says, "That's not fair." The man replies, "Alright, I have another one. You're down $12,500. I'll bet you $15,000, if you put that waste basket on the other side of the room, I can stand by your desk and piss across the room into the waste basket and not get a drop anywhere." The agent says, "That's impossible, you've got a deal." The man starts peeing and pees all over his desk, and the agent says, "I got you!" He's laughing and happy that he finally beat him, but then the lawyer has his hand on his face, and the agent asked, "What's wrong with you?" and the lawyer replies, "The man bet me $100,000 he could piss on your desk, and you'd just love it."
The Trump cocktail. Take a large glass and fill it with an ounce of everything behind the bar. Top it with whipped cream and a cherry. Now for the hard part: finding a Mexican to pay for it.
What did the dime say to the penny? At least I have more cents than you.
When a person asked to see her balance at a bank, they pushed him over.
If I had a dollar for every gender, I would have 2 dollars and a bunch of counterfeits.
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
What's the difference between an amateur thief and a professional thief?
The amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!" The professional thief says, "Sign here please."
What do you call a Chinese billionaire?
Cha Ching.
My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore, so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."
I was going to buy a pocket calculator. But then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have?
I won the lottery for a million dollars today, so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
I now have $999,999.75.
Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says, "I can't believe I blew forty bucks in there."
What do you call a man with 6.022 x 10^23 dollars?
A Moleionaire.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. -- I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
What concert costs 45 cents? -- 50 Cent feat. Nickelback.
Yo mama so poor, she can't even pay attention.
I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.
Last night, I fucked a chick named Penny. What are the odds?
