Mom Jokes

Kid: Mom, do trees poop?

Mom: Yes. That is how we get #2 pencils.

When you were born, your mom said you were out of bounds, so you went flying out of the hospital.

1. Are you talking to me because I think you talked to my backside?

2. Your mom must taste good because it is always in your mouth.

3. My foot lasts longer than your life.

My mom said, "Don't jump off, we need you."

I said, "No," then I jumped off a building and died.

Your classmate: You're so ugly.

Me: That's what your mom said when she had you and called you a mistake.

Good luck getting her out

A photo taken from above shows a dark body of water shaped like a person with arms and legs spread, with the text "So sorry to hear about your mom's skydiving accident." above and below the image.

My girl got mad at me last night for saying to my mom that she had a dildo ready at all times and is always hard, so my mom wanted to see. So I whipped out my penis and my mom said it’s bigger than your dad’s!

When your mom comes in at night then sees your... sleeping, but sees something moving, so she gets a chair and whacks it, then she says, "I thought it was a mouse."

Boys: “Hey, can Billy come out and play baseball?”

Mom: “That would be fine, but he hasn’t come out of his room since Friday.”

Boys: “Have you checked the closet?”

My mom asked, "Why are you so depressed? It could be worse. You could be Tracy Latimer."

I replied, "I wish I were Tracy Latimer because then someone would kill me."

Your earlobes are so big, you can fit your mom inside of them 5000 times and still have room for more!

Evan, this is Mya, and your mom told me you were adopted, so we are done. Bye, don’t talk to me.

Kid at school tells an orphan, "I fucked your mom."

Orphan: "What's a mom?"

Spanish is difficult. When my mom gives me food, she says "toma," and that's drink in English, so I always drink my food.

What are the last two words you say after sex before going to sleep?

"Goodnight, Mom!"

My mom telling me the brief history of the blanket and how she received it from her cousin. (⁠ ⁠╹⁠▽⁠╹⁠ ⁠)

Me sitting anxiously in place pretending to be amazed by the story, and reacting with kind cheerfulness and a big smile. (⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)

All I can actually think about: "I m@sturbated under it- aaaaaah" ಠ⁠◡⁠ಠ

So here’s this funny story, and it’s true.

So my mom has this friend. When this guy was a kid, he was on the school bus, and this Mexican kid checked him into the aisle, so he hits him across the face with a metal lunchbox, and he started bleeding. Then they both get banned from the bus for a few days, so him and his dad drive to the Mexican kids house, and his dad says to the Mexican kids dad “if your kid ever picks on my kid again, I’m gonna come back to this house and kick your ass!”

My dad told me a story today. His mom, my grandma, said if a bird gets in your house, someone will die.

That day, a hummingbird got in his UPS truck, and that’s the day he found out that my grandma had cancer. 😭😭😭😭😭 6 weeks later, she died. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Guy, it was so weird yesterday. I saw a guy, and he kept repeating the same thing over and over. I hate people with dementia. I told my mom to get a new mirror, but she won’t listen to me. It’s almost like I said it like 20 times every time I say it.