Mom jokes

What joke could orphan's never understand?

Your Mom jokes.

Mom: You will make me kill myself.

Me who has cut first: I'll kill myself ✨first✨!

A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis. Her mom said, "You should have asked me last night. It was at the tip of my tongue."

My mom told me to be positive...

I was heading to an HIV test.

I'd tell a joke about how my mom was abusive, but I either forgot everything, or she just wasn't there.

I was cussing out this kid for stealing, and their mom walked in and said, "Hey, language!" I just said, "English, bitch!"

Your mom is so ugly that when she went to rob a bank, they had to turn the cameras off.

You know, my mom told me to become an astronaut.

I told her I don't want to become the next firework.

How would Steven Hawking's mom punish him as a kid?

Power off his chair.

What do you call it if your mom is a guy and your dad is a woman?

Transparent.

Comic: God, you're a fuckin' virgin, aren't you?!

Gerald: No! I've been 'round the block loads of times; women practically drool over me.

Comic: Yeah, and the Archbishop of Banterbury, mate. A name like Gerald, and with added 'four eyes' like them shit pair of glasses from FOUR EYED SPECCY INSTITUTION, mate, the only woman your dick has been in was when you were inside your mom's womb.

Here's a list of puns, not all of them are mine.

1. Smaller babies may be delivered by stork, but the heavier ones need a crane.

2. Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

3. My sister bet that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.

4. Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting.

5. Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

6. Why was the cookie sad? Because his mom was a wafer long!

7. Why didn’t the cat go to the vet? He was feline fine!

8. How do you make a good egg-roll? You push it down a hill!

9. That baseball player was such a bad sport. He stole third base and then just went home!

10. My parents said I can’t drink coffee anymore. Or else they’ll ground me!

So yesterday, I was at an orphanage, harassing children by twerking at them.

They burst into tears.

I was worried that they would call their mom, well... um... I got away.

Your mom wants to tell you that you're adopted, but you were an orphan.

Your mom is so fat that she only knows three letters, which are "KFC."

Mom: Hey son, what does "idk" and "idc" mean?

Son: I don’t know and I don’t care.

Mom: Excuse me?

Son: Oh, and by the way, Mom, what’s for dinner?

I don’t know and I don’t care.

Your mom.

What's the difference between your mom and a troll?

Nothing, they both look the same.

Your mom is so fat when she skipped a meal, the whole stock market crashed.

Your mom is so fat she tripped, and I didn’t even laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.

Saw that shit on Roblox.

Mom: ON THE PHONE WITH CHILD- Honey, is Dad late to pick you up again?

Child: No, Mum. Dad is here, but he is talking about me to Mrs. Lili, the math teacher.

Mom: Can you hear them?

Child: I think... they are watching a good movie.

Mom: Why do you think that?

Child: Because I keep hearing this *HOLDS ONTO PHONE* and clap, clap, clap.