Mom jokes
I ate my mom.
Little Johnny woke up at midnight on Christmas Eve to Santa with his pants down on top of his mom. He then said, "Ho ho OH YEAH!!!"
Teacher: What is your least favorite holiday?
Orphan: National Forgive Your Mom And Dad Day.
Teacher: Why is that your least favorite?
Orphan: Because I don't have any parents to forgive.
Teacher: *tries to hold back* HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Your mom is hot.
Your mom is so fat that she made the earth flat.
Memes
I took the trash to the recycling bin, and two days later, my mom asked me, "Where's your sister?" I said, "In the recycling line to be turned into a bottle."
Is your mom a virgin?
Mine is.
How am I alive?
You tell me.
You're so ugly not even your mom thinks you're beautiful.
Your classmate: You're so ugly.
Me: That's what your mom said when she had you and called you a mistake.
My girl got mad at me last night for saying to my mom that she had a dildo ready at all times and is always hard, so my mom wanted to see. So I whipped out my penis and my mom said it’s bigger than your dad’s!
Kid at school tells an orphan, "I fucked your mom."
Orphan: "What's a mom?"
Your mom has a bone to pick with me.
When your mom comes in at night then sees your... sleeping, but sees something moving, so she gets a chair and whacks it, then she says, "I thought it was a mouse."
Evan, this is Mya, and your mom told me you were adopted, so we are done. Bye, don’t talk to me.
Spanish is difficult. When my mom gives me food, she says "toma," and that's drink in English, so I always drink my food.
Cause she knows how I like it, and that I’m a little young to be in the bed, butt-naked doin' your mom.
Boys: “Hey, can Billy come out and play baseball?”
Mom: “That would be fine, but he hasn’t come out of his room since Friday.”
Boys: “Have you checked the closet?”
My mom telling me the brief history of the blanket and how she received it from her cousin. ( ╹▽╹ )
Me sitting anxiously in place pretending to be amazed by the story, and reacting with kind cheerfulness and a big smile. (◍•ᴗ•◍)
All I can actually think about: "I m@sturbated under it- aaaaaah" ಠ◡ಠ
So here’s this funny story, and it’s true.
So my mom has this friend. When this guy was a kid, he was on the school bus, and this Mexican kid checked him into the aisle, so he hits him across the face with a metal lunchbox, and he started bleeding. Then they both get banned from the bus for a few days, so him and his dad drive to the Mexican kids house, and his dad says to the Mexican kids dad “if your kid ever picks on my kid again, I’m gonna come back to this house and kick your ass!”
My dad told me a story today. His mom, my grandma, said if a bird gets in your house, someone will die.
That day, a hummingbird got in his UPS truck, and that’s the day he found out that my grandma had cancer. 😭😭😭😭😭 6 weeks later, she died. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭