Mom jokes

Little Steven was scared to take a shower by himself, so he asked his mum to shower with him. She said ok just don’t look up. He looked up and said wow what are those. She said they are headlights. He looked under and stuck his finger in it and said oh what is that. She said that’s a Pu-pu-pu Bush!!

The next day Steven’s mom wasn’t home so he asked his Papa can I shower with you? He said ok just don’t look up. Well Steven looked up and said WTH IS THAT? His dad said it’s a Snake. That night he asked his parents if he can sleep with them. They said ok Just don’t look under the covers. He grew bored then looked under and Screamed mom turn on the headlights There’s a snake in the bush.

The twin towers are just like my mom and dad, they went to work and never came back.

Why can’t orphans eat at a family restaurant? Because they don’t have a mom or dad.

So a kid was hanging out with his mom and this man comes up to him and said, "Hi, I'm your new dad." The kid did not think about it, and then he did and said, "But I already have a dad." The mom said, "That was not your real dad."

"When your mom is pregnant and your best friend learns dad jokes."

Me:.....

When you say, "I wish I could cut off these bumps on my neck." (Your mom walking to you with a knife.)

When your mom says it will all be ok if you just......... *there is blood on the floor*

My mom said, "Don't jump off, we need you."

I said, "No," then I jumped off a building and died.

Why do orphans have water in cereal?

Because mom was never around to produce milk.

I went to the orphanage and yelled "your mama" jokes.

From your mom.

What did the mom tell her son when he asked for a bowl of cereal? "Sorry your dad wasn't came back with the milk yet."

Your mom is heavier than Mariah can even carry.

So little Susie came home and said, "Mom, little Johnny showed me his pecker."

And her mom said, "WHAT?!"

And little Susie was like, "Yeah, it reminded me of a peanut." Her mom said, "Oh, because it was so small?"

Susie said, "No, because it tasted salty."

Mom! Mom! The class called me an orphan.

My mom tells me and my sister to stop fighting. "Mom! You and Dad need to stop!"

Mom: You will make me kill myself.

Me who has cut first: I'll kill myself ✨first✨!

Mom says: "I will go kill myself."

Me: *stays quiet cuz knows better than to talk* *also me internally eyerolls*

Some time later me fighting with my mom:

Me to my mom: "Oh, yea than kill me!"

Mom: "What the hell did you just say? I don't want to hear it from you again!"

Lesson?

So it's OK for adults to say "I'll kill myself" but not teens/kids!?!?

My mom said don't fuck whores.

So I kicked my step sis out the house.

You're so ugly your mom said, "I want an abortion."

Heyyy, in the last six months, [I had] 4 suicide attempts, broke up with 3 girls, and my mom went on drugs.