Mix jokes
I reached into my pocket and pulled out a rectal thermometer and thought,
"Some asshole has my pen!"
What do you get when you cross Donald Trump with Fregley?
Orange juice.
My girlfriend asked me to hand her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
The other day my girlfriend asked me to hand her the red lipstick, so I handed her the dog.
The other day my wife told me to pass her her lipstick, but I accidently passed her a glue stick... she still isn't talking to me.
The other day I went to a museum. My friend and I went to the Holocaust section, and he got choked up when he saw the Anne Frank picture. I asked him, "Why are you sad? It's just an ashtray."
I don't understand why, when I went to the shooting range today, the police came. Like, bro, I always go to elementary schools.
There are three people in a plane that is about to crash: Trump, Obama, and a nine-year-old girl, but only two parachutes. Obama says, "Oh my, I need one. I need to protect my family," so he jumps off! Trump says, "Oh, I am the smartest man in the world. I must take it," so he jumps off. The nine-year-old girl says, "Welp, I guess he took my school backpack" :) so she leaves the plane! What a good ending.
Where do you mix a bunny and a hare?
Bunny hair.
So you know there's like dog mixes, right? Like a Snoodle and that stuff, right? So why can't a bulldog and a shih tzu be mixed? 'Cause if they did, it would be called bullshit.
Me: Looks like a girl, sure as h3ll I don't sound like one.
Michael Jackson: Looks like a boy, sure as h3ll don't sound like one.
That [is] what we have i[n] commen, but if you mix up my gender I won't give a F about it. Michael Jackson not so much : )
When you mix a wizard, a rabbit, and a songwriter together, you get 24 carrot magic.
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.
Is that my student?
Na! It is Jesus!
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
"Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
A husband got a message from his neighbor one day. It read, "Hey, I'm sorry I had to tell you like this but I have been doing your wife for months now." The husband went to go grab his gun and shot his wife. He hid the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying, "Sorry, meant using your wifi."
Why did Hitler turn to genocide after a failed career as an artist?
He never learned to mix the colors.
What happens if you mix a dick with a potato?
You get a dictator dic-dick-tator-potato!
What do you get when you mix an apple with water... applesauce. Wait, do not leave yet. If you are still reading this, you have been rekt, ha ha. At least I am still laughing.
Q: What do you get when you cross a cow and a smurf?
A: Blue cheese.