Misunderstanding jokes
Today a child asked if I was an angel. I asked why, and he said, "Mommy says that angels have marks on their wrists because they don't want to be in this world."
Daughter: Mommy?
Mom: Hey.
Daughter: What kind of kids do they use to make Sour Patch Kids?
Mom: They don’t use kids to make Sour Patch Kids.
Daughter: Oh, that’s why the ones I made taste kind of funny...
My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange?" I said: "No it doesn't."
A woman ran into a police station screaming, "Help, I have been graped!" The policeman said, "Do you mean raped?" The woman said, "No, there was a bunch of them!"
I am in trouble. My mum asked me to get six cans of Sprite.
But I got seven Up.
The sub told my friends to stop throwing the shoe 👟….. it was a dog stuffed animal 🧸
You: Say "addicted" after everything I say.
Person: Uh okay.
You: When you're obsessed with candy you are...?
Person: Addicted.
You: When you're obsessed with drugs you are...?
Person: Addicted.
You: What hit you in the face last night?
Person: Addicted... *laughs*
(It's supposed to sound like "A dick did")
My grandma asked me if I could visit her.
I told her no, I don’t like graveyards.
My principal called my mom at school and said, "You should teach your son well." After coming back home, at first she taught me sex!
I hate it when I don’t understand someone.
I love rap!
I was 11 or 12 at the time.
Guy (passing me): "How are you doing?" Me, an autist: "Pretty bad honestly." Guy (continued walking past me) Me: ...
If you didn’t know, “what’s up” and “how are you doing” are phatic expressions in the United States, meaning that they’re said as greetings even though they literally mean something else.
I got arrested on suspicion of attempted rape all because I was carrying some cable ties, a bit of tape and a piece of cloth. It's such a joke, I hadn't even bought the chloroform yet.
What did the autistic man order at McDonald’s?
Ass Burgers.
My therapist told me, "Time heals all wounds," so I stabbed him.
Now we wait.
Every time someone calls you a little different, car? Just say, "No, I'm not."
My wife said I have no sense of direction.
I said, "Where did that come from?"
The teacher told me to put my MP3 away, so I brought out my MP5. Now that bitch knows what not to tell me.
Patient to doctor: "Will I be ok, Doc?"
Doctor: "I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus now."
Patient: "I don't do that astrology stuff."
Doctor: "Nor me. My thermometer just broke."
I feel sad for orphans. They can't watch Star Wars because it's parental guidance.
Can’t believe how ungrateful my dwarf next-door neighbor is. I saw him waiting at the bus stop earlier today and offered to give him a lift, but he told me to “fuck off.” In the end, I decided to just close my rucksack and walk away.