Misunderstanding jokes

My wife accused me of being a cross-dresser, so I packed up her clothes and left.

When I called the suicide hotline in Afghanistan, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane.

Be careful what you say around Indians, the red dot means they're recording.

Yo mama is so dumb, she thought Dunkin' Donuts was a basketball team.

My friend and I were joking about a kid in a wheelchair, and another kid came up and said to the wheelchair kid, "You should stand up for yourself."

Woman: "I want coffee, black."

Cop: *takes out gun* "WHERE?!"

I was walking today and I saw an emo with a noose looking up at a tree. I simply said, "Hang on there, bud!"

When the school shooter pulls the fire alarm, and the autistic kid thinks it’s a rave party.

Teacher: Where were you born?

Student: The highway.

Teacher: What do you mean?

Student: I don't know, my mom says that's where all the accidents happen.

My grandma asked me if I could visit her.

I told her no, I don’t like graveyards.

Little Johnny tried phone sex, but the holes were too small.

My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange?" I said: "No it doesn't."

Yo mama so dumb, she thought a quarterback was a refund.

The teacher asked her student to say the alphabet. The student recited the alphabet: "abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz". "Where's the p?" He looked down to the floor and said: "it's running down my legs".

One day I came to my mom and said, "MOM!!! I can make a butterfly!"

Mom: "No you can't..."

Me: *throws butter out the window* Me: "Look I made a butterfly!"

lol this isn't funny but I hope you liked it.

So I went to my friend's funeral today. As we were all leaving, a kid put a "get well soon" card next to my friend's grave. 'Poor kid'.

The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.

Patient to doctor: "Will I be ok, Doc?"

Doctor: "I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus now."

Patient: "I don't do that astrology stuff."

Doctor: "Nor me. My thermometer just broke."

Why did Michael Jackson call Boyz II Men? He thought they were a delivery service.

What did the Mexican man say when his house fell on him?

"Get off me homes."