Misery jokes
My day started out great until I woke up.
When your friend asks why you don't smile, then you look at them and realize no one is there because you have no friends. #my life
So, a man was on a ledge ready to kill himself because he got laid off at work and his girlfriend cheated on him. He was about to jump until he saw from a mountainside a little guy with no arms dancing around. So he thought, "Maybe my life ain't so bad." So he went to the mountainside. "Thank you," he said, "I was gonna jump off a bridge and kill myself until I saw you dancing, even though you have no arms. Dancing?" the armless man said bitterly, "My asshole itches and I can't scratch it."
Doctor: What makes you feel depressed?
Me: Seeing others happy.
Doctor: Ok, so what makes you happy?
Me: Seeing stupid people in misery or agony.
Doctor: Well, that's rather sadistic.
Me: Well, statistically one in two doctors have fingered a child...
Doctor: Do you want your prescription or shall I book you an endoscopy?
Me: There's nothing hidden inside me, I'm empty "smug face".
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
My life.
My life who?
My life is depressing...
What makes sad people jump? A bridge.
"Don't worry! Life goes on."
"Yeah, that's what's had me worried."
The joke is my life.
I realized that a really bad joke and my life are the exact same thing.
I've always been suicidal. Some might say, "Why haven't I actually done the act?" I'll just say, well, I hate myself too much so I thought I'd stay around for the punishment of staying alive.
Apparently, rock bottom has a basement.... :\
Friends: "You wanna hang with us?"
Me: "No, I wanna hang myself."
You learn from the best.
All you need is a razor blade in life.
Why did the man say chickens were lucky?
Because they get killed and eaten.
What's the difference between your job and a dead hooker?
Your job still sucks.
There is nothing funnier than my life. (Evan 2020)
My dad brought me some sunglasses, but it still wasn't enough to keep my son out of my life.
Friend: "UR LIT BRO!!"
Me: "That's what my sleeve said to my arm."
My life is the joke.
I wanna die.