Medicine jokes
If Bruce Willis (the guy in the Christmas movie Die Hard) dies of a Viagra overdose, would that mean he truly dies hard?
Your hairline is so bad man, I gave your doctor a breathalyzer.
Q: Why did the fly go to the hospital?
A: For the doctor to make it get "butter!"
Why did the skeleton die from laughter?
'Cause they broke all his "funny bones!"
Do you know what it takes to beat cancer?
Heartbeat.
Why is it cold in hospitals?
To keep the vegetables cold and fresh.
Did you hear about the man who swallowed his watch?
He went to the doctor hoping he could give him something to help pass the time.
Woman delivers baby. Doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. Mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging “WHYYYY!!??”. Doctor holds baby upside down by the ankle and says “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.
A man is talking to his doctor after undergoing a whole range of tests to try and find out what’s wrong with him.
The doctor sits him down and says, “I’m so sorry to have to tell you this, but the results are back, and I’m afraid it’s fatal.”
“Oh no!” exclaims the man, “How long do I have?”
“Ten,” says the doctor.
“What, years? Months?!”
“Nine...”
What do you call it when someone fucks shoe inserts?
Orthopediphilia.
There was a guy how had a stroke, eh.
He's all right.
Hi, welcome to Mario's pizzeria/abortion clinic.
Where no fetus can beat us, and your loss is our sauce.
Did you know that whenever I read my blood donor ID?
Because it says "B Positive!"
Why doesn't Africa have pharmacies?
Because you can't take drugs on an empty stomach.
What did the terrorist do when his kidneys failed?
Dial-ISIS!
Quit making those progeria jokes. They get old very quickly.
You have to have real balls to face prostate cancer.
Just not for long!
"Jack and Jill went home because he was sick because of the virus in town, gave him a frown, and his arms were pricked."
Viagra is a lot like amusement parks...
It's a one hour wait, for a two-minute ride.
What's the best thing about stage 4 cancer... no stage 5.