Why did the computer go to the doctor?
Because it had a virus.
Medicine Jokes
What game hurts you the more stages you survive?
Cancer.
If laughter is the best medicine, shouldn't we go up to disabled people and laugh at them?
A women's knitters group is having a meeting, and they are all pregnant. They all talk about their pregnancies.
One woman says, "I'm taking vitamin C so my baby has a healthy immune system."
Another knitter says, "I'm taking folic acid to help my baby's brain."
Finally, one woman says, "I'm taking Thalidomide!"
All the women turn to her and say, "Thalidomide! Don't you know your baby could be born without arms?"
The woman shrugs her shoulders and says, "I don't know how to knit arms."
What's the difference between sex and rape? Some effective drugs.
A patient visiting his doctor asked him if he had ever laughed at a patient.
The doctor said, "I have never in 25 years of practice ever laughed at a patient."
Reassured, the patient drops his trousers and underpants.
Immediately the doctor burst out into loud raucous laughter when he sees that the patient has a penis the size of a cocktail sausage.
After about 10 minutes the doctor manages to get himself under control.
Swiftly apologising he says to the patient, "Sorry about that. How can I help you?"
The patient says, "Have you got any cream for it? It's swollen."
So, I was sitting with my little brother and talking about our dreams. "What do you wanna be when you grow up?" I asked him. He answered, "A doctor!" I wanted to tease him so I said, "I wouldn't be treated by a doctor like you." I was hoping he would get mad or something, but instead, he calmly replied, "Brother, I said doctor. Not a vet."
My mom said the happier a person is when sick, the sooner they get better.
So I went to the hospital, hooked up everyone's breathing masks to laughing gas.
A man gets an email from his doctor.
"Sorry for the delay on getting your prescription, it'll be at your house tomorrow."
The man thinks to himself, "Oh shit! Then what have I been taking?"
Once there was this Whichdoctor. He walked barefoot most of the time, which gave him impressive calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, and the food gave him bad breath, which made him (wait for it) a Super Callused Fragile Mystic Hexed By Halitosis.
What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?
A trip without kids.
Why am I still alive?
Pills give me stomachaches, blood makes me faint, height frightens me...
Why can't orphans go to the hospital? Because it is a family hospital. Sorry for the long break in between my jokes. I just had some family stuff, but I am back.
There are painkillers, but they only relieve physical pain. I wish something could relieve my internal pain.
What did the Chinese girl say when she had a baby?
"Sum ting wong."
I looked up "I have whiplash" on WebMD, and it diagnosed me with slavery.
Children who are unvaccinated are less likely to have autism. You know why?
-You have to be alive to have autism.
How do you throw a surprise party at the hospital?
Throw a strobe light in the epileptic ward.
The doctor told me I'm color blind...
Me: That's out of the purple!
Viagra is a lot like amusement parks...
It's a one hour wait, for a two-minute ride.
