Medicine Jokes

I got evicted from the hospital today For telling all the patients to stay positive! What a negative effect!

Doctor: I’m going to have to turn you away. Orphan: But why? Doctor: Because I’m a family doctor.

me explaining the school nurse that ice cant cure everything nurse: hOW DaRe yOu OpPosE mE mORtAl

What's the difference between a surgeon and God?

God knows he's not a surgeon.

imagine this senario: a doctor walks in and tells the patient that he has all the illnesses in the world like this: "you have depression, diarrhea, cancer,... etc" and then the last one on the list is that he is deaf.

What do people with cancer always want to watch

•finding Chemo

What did the hematologist say when his Canadian patient wrote that he's blood type "eh"? "Ah, probably just go with blood typo"

i work on medicine my jod is to smell it to see if its bad :)

Did you hear about the man who died of a Viagra overdose? They couldn't close the casket.

Patient: where are you taking me, doctor? Doctor: the morgue Patient: hang on! I'm not dead yet! Doctor: and we're not there yet!

What do doctors say to patients who blow wind backwards? DON'T PUT THE FART BEFORE THE FORCE!!

Donald Trump is making hospitals so poor that they are using kidney beans for their transplants

An old woman goes to the doctor complaining of extremely smelly gas. "I don't understand it, Doc", she said, "I have this terrible, terrible gas". "Thankfully", she added, "they are at least silent when I fart". Doctor hands her a bottle of pills, tells her take them all and then come back to see him. The old woman returned a short time later extremely mad. "I took those pills like you said and not only is my gas smelly, but now when I fart they are obnoxiously loud!", she yelled. The doctor said, "well, now that we've solved your hearing problem, let's see what we can do about that gas".

Why doesn't Africa have pharmacies? Because you can't take drugs on an empty stomach.

A lady sees a doctor about a tummy ache. After her check up, the Doctor said “ Looks like you’ll be needing nappies in about 9 months time.” The lady asks, “Am I pregnant? “. To which the Doctor replied “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”

Why do pills work? Because they r white

A womens knitters group is having a meeting and they are all pregnant. They all talk about their pregnancies. One woman says "I'm taking vitamin C so my baby has a healthy immune system". Another knitter says "I'm taking Folic acid to help my baby's brain". Finally one woman says "I'm taking Thalidomide". All the women turn to her and say "Thalidomide ! Don't you know your baby could be born without arms?" The woman shrugs her shoulders and says "I don't know how to knit arms". (Told to me by a woman knitter)

He died because of a fuck up by the Hospital, apparently the doctor said to the nurse you can discharge Mr Hawking now, so she went to his room and pulled the plug out of his computer.