Doctor: "You're as healthy as a horse!"
Jimmy: "That's great!"
Doctor: "A horse with cancer."
How do you help a constipated person?
You scare the shit out of them!
So, is a homosexual in a coma a fruit or a vegetable?
What does a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
They can both smell it, but they can’t eat it.
What did the deaf, blind, mute, and paralyzed baby get for Christmas?
AIDS.
An orphan goes to a doctor.
Doctor: "Sorry, I can't help you."
Orphan: "But why?"
Doctor: "I'm a family doctor."
When does a doctor get mad?
When he runs out of patients!
Doctor: I've got good news and bad news.
Patient: What's the good news?
Doctor: I've got you flowers.
Patient: Awww, What's the bad news?
Doctor: They're for your grave.
Why are there no pharmacies in Africa?
Because you can't have medicine on an empty stomach.
So, a doctor walks into the room with a dying patient. He looks the man up and down and says gravely: "I'm sorry, you only have ten left." The other man smiles nervously and asks, "T-ten what doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?" The doctor calmly looks at him. "Nine."
Kid sees their grandma taking pills and asks...
"Grandma, why do you need to take all those pills?"
"Well, Grandma needs to take the green medicine for her headaches, but the green pills give her diarrhea. So grandma needs to take the yellow pills for diarrhea, but those pills always make grandma very depressed. Because of her depression, grandma needs to take the black pills, but those always give her high blood pressure. To cure the high blood pressure, grandma has to take the red pills, but those make her always very horny. That's why grandpa has to take the blue pills."
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So, she gets a divorce.
To whomever stole my anti-depression pills, I hope you're happy now.
What's the difference between Bird flu and swine flu?
For one you get tweetment, for the other you get oinkment.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to be vaccinated. Vaccines need to be Chuck Norrised.
doctor: you need to eat healthy.
me: no.
doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after I suggested it died.
me: oh my goodness.
doctor: in a plane crash.
me: that sounds unrelated.
doctor: I'm the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me!
The doctor says, "Your wife is pregnant." The man says that he used a condom and the doctor says, "Yeah, but I didn't."
What is long, brown, and cures depression?
A noose.
My doctor said, "You have 1 year to live."
I said, "You wanna bet?"
Bam, a gunshot!
Why did the computer go to the doctor?
Because it had a virus.
