Medicine

Medicine Jokes

Cancer

Doctor: "You're as healthy as a horse!"

Jimmy: "That's great!"

Doctor: "A horse with cancer."

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  • Gynecologist

    What does a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?

    They can both smell it, but they can’t eat it.

    Shit

    How do you help a constipated person?

    You scare the shit out of them!

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  • Aid

    What did the deaf, blind, mute, and paralyzed baby get for Christmas?

    AIDS.

    Orphan

    An orphan goes to a doctor.

    Doctor: "Sorry, I can't help you."

    Orphan: "But why?"

    Doctor: "I'm a family doctor."

    Grave

    Doctor: I've got good news and bad news.

    Patient: What's the good news?

    Doctor: I've got you flowers.

    Patient: Awww, What's the bad news?

    Doctor: They're for your grave.

    Doctor

    So, a doctor walks into the room with a dying patient. He looks the man up and down and says gravely: "I'm sorry, you only have ten left." The other man smiles nervously and asks, "T-ten what doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?" The doctor calmly looks at him. "Nine."

    Pill

    Kid sees their grandma taking pills and asks...

    "Grandma, why do you need to take all those pills?"

    "Well, Grandma needs to take the green medicine for her headaches, but the green pills give her diarrhea. So grandma needs to take the yellow pills for diarrhea, but those pills always make grandma very depressed. Because of her depression, grandma needs to take the black pills, but those always give her high blood pressure. To cure the high blood pressure, grandma has to take the red pills, but those make her always very horny. That's why grandpa has to take the blue pills."

    Alcohol

    A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So, she gets a divorce.

    Thief

    To whomever stole my anti-depression pills, I hope you're happy now.

    Flu

    What's the difference between Bird flu and swine flu?

    For one you get tweetment, for the other you get oinkment.

    Doctor

    doctor: you need to eat healthy.

    me: no.

    doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after I suggested it died.

    me: oh my goodness.

    doctor: in a plane crash.

    me: that sounds unrelated.

    doctor: I'm the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me!

    Pregnancy

    The doctor says, "Your wife is pregnant." The man says that he used a condom and the doctor says, "Yeah, but I didn't."

    Pharmacy

    Why are there no pharmacies in Africa?

    Because you can’t take medicine on an empty stomach.

    Doctor

    My doctor said, "You have 1 year to live."

    I said, "You wanna bet?"

    Bam, a gunshot!

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