Medicine jokes
What do dentists call their x-rays?
Tooth picks.
"hvhuhdsjcjdsijdskdsivhdsvhsjdvnsjdvdshvgdshgsdhfgh" That's what my friend said when he gave an EpiPen. I don't know why, though.
You know what I like most about people with Parkinson's... Their handshake!
Did you hear about the story of the husband who told his wife she’d look sexier with her hair back?
Apparently, that’s not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.
A young man cracked a joke about dementia to his friend on the bus. The old man sitting next to him politely asked, “Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?”
He replied, “Yes, I cancer.” Then he cracked tumor.
EMINEM: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy.
WebMD: Cancer.
"What do you give a man that has everything? Penicillin."
Why did the doctor turn the orphan down?
Because he is a family doctor.
When you ask for plastic surgery, they said, "We could not fix you, but the only way is to wear a mask to fix your ugly face."
Jig, Jill, Bill ate a pill.
A "type person" is addicted to eating sugar.
When the doctor saw this, he said,
"From Type 2 Diabetes!"
Get it?
Did you hear about the "Funny Doctor"?
He'll have you in "Stitches"!
I have nut cancer...
A man goes to the doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world.
Doctor says: "Treatment is simple. The great clown - Pagliacci - is in town. Go see him. That should pick you up."
Man bursts into tears, says "But doctor... I am Pagliacci."
If someone made a comedy routine about Terri Schiavo, would that be considered roasting a vegetable?
My brackets are so high on my teeth, they must be smoking something.
My wife is pregnant with a 3-year-old, so I gave her medicine, but now she’s pregnant with a 5-year-old.
Why can't people in Africa have medicine?
Because you cannot have pills on an empty stomach.
If Selena Gomez wasn't really single after Justin Bieber dumped her, I would wait for her to come by my house, take her fine ass in my room, close my door, and give her some sex medicine until she masturbates.
I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.
Doctor: I will deliver the baby right away.
Dad: I would like the baby to have a liver.
Did you hear about the roofer who went to the doctor? He had shingles.