Medicine Jokes

An old woman goes to the doctor complaining of extremely smelly gas.

"I don't understand it, Doc," she said, "I have this terrible, terrible gas." "Thankfully," she added, "they are at least silent when I fart."

Doctor hands her a bottle of pills, tells her take them all and then come back to see him.

The old woman returned a short time later extremely mad. "I took those pills like you said and not only is my gas smelly, but now when I fart they are obnoxiously loud!", she yelled.

The doctor said, "well, now that we've solved your hearing problem, let's see what we can do about that gas".

Why do hospitals have fans?

To keep the vegetables fresh and cold.

Why do lawyers use Viagra? To grow taller.

I got kicked out of the hospital for saying, "Stay Positive," to the corona patients.

What's the best haircut?

Chemotherapy.

A meme displaying five different options labeled A through E of items that can be chosen as a loadout. The text says, "You're being hunted in the woods at night by an unknown cryptid. Choose your loadout." Option A shows an assault rifle, body armor, a knife, and a pistol. Option B shows 5 silhouettes of men and weapons like torches, pitchforks and a baseball bat. Option C shows two priests, a cross, holy water and two lanterns. Option D shows three dogs, a gun, a bracelet, and a flashlight. Option E shows a muscular man, viagra, alcohol, and other random items.

Michael Jackson gets really ill, so he's rushed to hospital. When they get there, he says, "Am I in heaven?"

The doctor replies, "Nah, sir, we're just taking a quick shortcut through the children's ward."

What did Freddie Mercury use to improve his hearing?

Hearing AIDS.

What did the kid with leukemia watch last night? Finding Chemo.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away... That is... if you throw it hard enough.

What do you call a bad amputation?

A rip-off.

What medicine do you take when your butt hurts?

Answer: Assprin.

Never take a person canoeing or kayaking if they had a cerebrovascular accident.

They’ll hear the one word they hate the most: “STROKE, STROKE, STROKE!”

Why did the lemon 🍋 go to the doctor 👩‍⚕️?

Because he had a sour stomach.

A man walks into a pharmacy and buys multiple containers of Tylenol, and the clerk asks why he's buying all of these. He replies with, "I'm playing 1 pill eat 100."