Medicine jokes

What's the difference between an anal and oral thermometer?

The taste.

What do priests and doctors have in common?

They both do physicals on kids.

Doctor: I'm sorry, but your surgery will cost a lot of money.

Buuuuut what's this behind your ear?

Oh, it's still cancer.

You have to have real balls to face prostate cancer.

Just not for long!

Doctor: Do you want the good news or the bad news first?

Patient: Good news!

Doctor: We are naming a disease after you.

Q: What do you do with a sick chemist?

A: If you cannot helium, you have to curium. If you cannot curium, you have to barium!

My doctor told me I had Alzheimer’s.

I said to him, “I don’t remember asking.”

The doctor said he had good news and bad news. The good news is that you have 24 hours to live. The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday.

Children who are unvaccinated are less likely to have autism. You know why?

-You have to be alive to have autism.

Doctors in the Middle Ages, Plague doctor: "I must have some herbs to block out bad air."

Doctors now: "God, WTF were we doing back then?"

Breaking news: Man with Alzheimer's forgets he's blind and recovers from visual impairment.

If you overdose on Viagra, do you die... hard?

Fat person: "Hey, what's up?"

Friend: "Your blood pressure!"

I’ve been munching away on these new Tic Tacs recently and honestly, they are really good.

It’s a little strange how they came in a bottle labeled “Ibuprofen” though, and really, I’m starting to feel a little sick. The bottle’s almost empty though, so it’s time to get some more!

What’s the best part about being a circumcision doctor?

The pay is good and you also get to keep the tips!

What do alcoholics and amputees have in common?

They are both legless.

Doctor: I’m sorry, I can’t see you today.

Orphan: Oh, how about tomorrow?

Doctor: No, I can’t ever see you.

Orphan: Why?

Doctor: Because I’m a family physician.

Doctor asks his patient, "What is your zodiac sign?"

Patient replies, "Cancer." Doctor says, "What a coincidence!"

AIDS?

A husband came back from a business trip and found out that his wife was pregnant. At first, he got a bit suspicious, but then he just ignored it and hugged his wife with happiness. The second when he met his friend and told him the news, the friend just said, "Wait, what? I thought she was on pills!"