Medicine jokes
What's the difference between an anal and oral thermometer?
The taste.
Children who are unvaccinated are less likely to have autism. You know why?
-You have to be alive to have autism.
What do priests and doctors have in common?
They both do physicals on kids.
Doctor: I'm sorry, but your surgery will cost a lot of money.
Buuuuut what's this behind your ear?
Oh, it's still cancer.
Abortions = yeetis of the fetus.
Doctor: Do you want the good news or the bad news first?
Patient: Good news!
Doctor: We are naming a disease after you.
You have to have real balls to face prostate cancer.
Just not for long!
My doctor told me I had Alzheimer’s.
I said to him, “I don’t remember asking.”
Q: What do you do with a sick chemist?
A: If you cannot helium, you have to curium. If you cannot curium, you have to barium!
The doctor said he had good news and bad news. The good news is that you have 24 hours to live. The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday.
Doctors in the Middle Ages, Plague doctor: "I must have some herbs to block out bad air."
Doctors now: "God, WTF were we doing back then?"
Breaking news: Man with Alzheimer's forgets he's blind and recovers from visual impairment.
Doctor asks his patient, "What is your zodiac sign?"
Patient replies, "Cancer." Doctor says, "What a coincidence!"
Doctor: I’m sorry, I can’t see you today.
Orphan: Oh, how about tomorrow?
Doctor: No, I can’t ever see you.
Orphan: Why?
Doctor: Because I’m a family physician.
What’s the best part about being a circumcision doctor?
The pay is good and you also get to keep the tips!
What do alcoholics and amputees have in common?
They are both legless.
What is better to have, autism, Down syndrome, or ADHD?
I’ve been munching away on these new Tic Tacs recently and honestly, they are really good.
It’s a little strange how they came in a bottle labeled “Ibuprofen” though, and really, I’m starting to feel a little sick. The bottle’s almost empty though, so it’s time to get some more!
Fat person: "Hey, what's up?"
Friend: "Your blood pressure!"
If you overdose on Viagra, do you die... hard?