Medicine jokes
How can you tell an anti-vaccine kid?
It's only got 10 hours to live.
Q: What do you do with a sick chemist?
A: If you cannot helium, you have to curium. If you cannot curium, you have to barium!
Why can't people in Africa have medicine?
Because you cannot have pills on an empty stomach.
Patient: Doctor, every time I look in a mirror, I feel ill, as if I'm about to throw up. What's wrong with me?
Doctor: I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.
If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.
Why did Grampa pass out? Because of diabetes.
What did the cancer doctor say?
You just got a new Christmas present—cancer!
Every time I go to the store I look in the deodorant section and my dyslexia acts up. Instead of "antiperspirant," I read "antidepressant." At least I get a bunch of extra snacks out of my shopping mistakes.
A lady sees a doctor about a tummy ache. After her check up, the Doctor said, “Looks like you’ll be needing nappies in about 9 months time.”
The lady asks, “Am I pregnant?” To which the Doctor replied, “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”
If Selena Gomez wasn't really single after Justin Bieber dumped her, I would wait for her to come by my house, take her fine ass in my room, close my door, and give her some sex medicine until she masturbates.
I’ve been munching away on these new Tic Tacs recently and honestly, they are really good.
It’s a little strange how they came in a bottle labeled “Ibuprofen” though, and really, I’m starting to feel a little sick. The bottle’s almost empty though, so it’s time to get some more!
"Jack and Jill went home because he was sick because of the virus in town, gave him a frown, and his arms were pricked."
A man goes to the doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world.
Doctor says: "Treatment is simple. The great clown - Pagliacci - is in town. Go see him. That should pick you up."
Man bursts into tears, says "But doctor... I am Pagliacci."
Q: What do you do when an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub?
A: Throw in some laundry.
What did the Chinese girl say when she had a baby?
"Sum ting wong."
What do you call a bloody pig?
HAMorrhage!
What do you call an epileptic kid?
Little Seizures.
I used to be a doctor, until a girl came in to get a kidney transplant, but I had to give her anal resizing surgery first.
A man is talking to his doctor after undergoing a whole range of tests to try and find out what’s wrong with him.
The doctor sits him down and says, “I’m so sorry to have to tell you this, but the results are back, and I’m afraid it’s fatal.”
“Oh no!” exclaims the man, “How long do I have?”
“Ten,” says the doctor.
“What, years? Months?!”
“Nine...”
When a man loses his testosterone,
Man: Could I please have a loaner boner?