Medicine jokes
AIDS?
I was diagnosed with a terminal disease. The doctor says my days are numbered.
Now I'm terrified of airports.
A husband came back from a business trip and found out that his wife was pregnant. At first, he got a bit suspicious, but then he just ignored it and hugged his wife with happiness. The second when he met his friend and told him the news, the friend just said, "Wait, what? I thought she was on pills!"
A blonde walks into the doctor's office. She tells the doctor, "My boyfriend has dandruff."
The doctor tells her to use Head and Shoulders. She leaves. About an hour later, the doctor's phone rings. He answers, it's the blonde. The doctor asks how he can help her. "Well doctor, I understand head, but how do you 'hove' shoulders?"
A man is talking to his doctor after undergoing a whole range of tests to try and find out what’s wrong with him.
The doctor sits him down and says, “I’m so sorry to have to tell you this, but the results are back, and I’m afraid it’s fatal.”
“Oh no!” exclaims the man, “How long do I have?”
“Ten,” says the doctor.
“What, years? Months?!”
“Nine...”
How do you make epileptic kids dance?
Throw a flash bang in their room.
You know I want an ADHD cure.
When?
Squirrel!
Q: What do you do when an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub?
A: Throw in some laundry.
What did the cancer cell say to its neighbor?
"Mind if I join you?"
Jokers are all about the delivery.
Except abortion jokes...
Are you the voices I've been hearing?
Because I can't seem to get you out of my head. (Schizophrenic RIZZ)
What's the similarities between dark humor and cancer?
It's funnier when kids get it.
What do we want? A cure for obesity.
When do we want it? After lunch.
What’s the best way to get gum out of hair?
Cancer.
Chiropractor: Final neck adjustment in 3, 2, 1. How did that feel?
Me: *silence*
Why doesn’t Helen Keller go to the optometrist?
Because she’s dead.
One of my friends named Jill had a drug overdose.
She didn’t have any of that drug after that. For the rest of her life, she acted very high. When she died, it was because of natural causes, not the drug. So this proves that a lethal dose is also a life time supply.
Why did the banana go to the doctor? It wasn't peeling well.
A seizure is just an excuse for break dancing.
A common question I get as a doctor is, do vaccines cause autism? Well!, I was vaccinated, so.....