Medicine jokes
I went to the doctor's yesterday. I said, "When I touch my back, it hurts. When I touch my knee, it hurts. When I touch anything, it hurts!" 😣 What’s wrong with me?
Doctor: You’ve broken your finger.
So, a doctor walks into the room with a dying patient. He looks the man up and down and says gravely: "I'm sorry, you only have ten left." The other man smiles nervously and asks, "T-ten what doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?" The doctor calmly looks at him. "Nine."
Did you hear about the man who swallowed his watch?
He went to the doctor hoping he could give him something to help pass the time.
Son: I heard mom got stung by a few bees this morning. Is she ok? Hospital?
Dad: She's ok now, no hospital.
Dad: She had to take the deep penis.
Son: Umm...... WHAT!?
Dad: I had to inject her with an EPIC PENIS.
Dad: Oh for god's sakes.
Dad: Epi Pen.
Son: I heard mom got stung by a few bees this morning. Is she ok? Hospital?
Dad: She's ok now, no hospital.
Dad: She had to take the deep penis.
Son: Umm...... WHAT!?
Dad: I had to inject her with and EPIC PENIS.
Dad: Oh, for God's sakes.
Dad: Epi Pen.
Jig, Jill, Bill ate a pill.
My doctor said, "You have 1 year to live."
I said, "You wanna bet?"
Bam, a gunshot!
Doctor, can I please have a new butt? My old one has a hole and a crack in it.
What do you call a person whose Lymphoma keeps recurring?
A Lymphomaniac.
A child has diarrhea and asked his mom for a Viagra. "Why in the world do you want that?" she asked him. He looks at her and says, "Well, that's what you gift dad when his shit won't get hard."
If you boil a funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock. That's humerus.
What do you call a frozen Band-Aid?
Cool-Aid!
What is small, red, and sitting in the corner?
A baby playing with a scalpel.
How do you help a constipated person?
You scare the shit out of them!
What medicine do you take when your butt hurts?
Answer: Assprin.
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
Cancer?
Cancer
Doctor, doctor! I feel like a pair of curtains! Well, pull yourself together, then.
Doctor, doctor! My brother's crazy! He thinks he's a chicken. Is he egging around? Yes, but we need to get the eggs.
Woman: Doctor, doctor! I keep thinking I'm an elephant! Doctor: Run around the room. Then the woman stomps around the room and breaks things.
Doctor, doctor! I fell like a bell! Shall I ring you, then? When can you ring me up?
Doctor, doctor! I have a ball stuck in my throat! Shall I bat it and get a run, then?
Lung story short... ahqhahahah!
What goes in and comes out and makes you feel good but isn't sexual?
(Insulin)