Medicine jokes

Doctor, doctor! I feel like a pair of curtains! Well, pull yourself together, then.

Doctor, doctor! My brother's crazy! He thinks he's a chicken. Is he egging around? Yes, but we need to get the eggs.

Woman: Doctor, doctor! I keep thinking I'm an elephant! Doctor: Run around the room. Then the woman stomps around the room and breaks things.

Doctor, doctor! I fell like a bell! Shall I ring you, then? When can you ring me up?

Doctor, doctor! I have a ball stuck in my throat! Shall I bat it and get a run, then?

Lung story short... ahqhahahah!

What goes in and comes out and makes you feel good but isn't sexual?

(Insulin)

Q: How many more chemo treatments did the cancer patient need?

A: Tumor.

What goes in and out and saves your life but is not sexual?

Diabetes.

Wow, all these jokes are humerus!

A woman delivers a baby. The doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. The mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging “WHYYYY!!??”. The doctor holds the baby upside down by the ankle and says “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.

How can you tell an anti-vaccine kid?

It's only got 10 hours to live.

What game hurts you the more stages you survive?

Cancer.

Why do lawyers use Viagra? To grow taller.

What's the hardest line to draw in a hospital?

... A FLATLINE!

What did the hematologist say when his Canadian patient wrote that he's blood type "eh"? "Ah, probably just go with blood typo!"

Cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer.

What job lets you kill the most people?

An abortion doctor.

Have you heard about the movie about constipation?

Me neither, it hasn't come out yet.

Why did the pony have to gargle? Maybe because he was feeling a little hoarse.

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So, she gets a divorce.

So, is a homosexual in a coma a fruit or a vegetable?

What do you call an epileptic in a swimming pool? A dishwasher.

I'd make a joke about corn, but it's too corny.

Then again, I could make a joke about eyes, but that would be even cornea. My funny bone is broken. I guess it was because those jokes were too humerus.