Medicine jokes

How do you stop constipation?

You scare the crap outta them.

(Crap is another word for poop.)

Hi, welcome to Mario's pizzeria/abortion clinic.

Where no fetus can beat us, and your loss is our sauce.

Bro's chin looks like it's from that movie cartoon named Kronk. No wonder he got stung by a bee and took an ibuprofen to reduce the pain, but instead it grew longer.

If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.

My hemorrhoids are so bad, I’ve had toilet bowls that looked like abortions.

What are the four letters you don't want to hear from a dentist?

I C D K

Your loved one dies and you call the Coroner's office. They answer, "Hello, this is Benny from the Coroner's office, you stab 'em, we slab 'em, how may I be of service?"

Having a stroke?

Stop it!

A book went to the doctor’s office and said: “Doctor, doctor, I’ve got thesaurus throat ever.”

If you execute someone in ventricular fibrillation in the electric chair, will they come back to life once and then die?

I hate salmonella.

It is such a pain in the butt.

*Coughs roughly* Oh my God, it hurts so much. I can't see. It burns! Help!!! Help!!! Help!!! Help!!! *Weakly*

My doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15. Problem solved!

Your mama is so funny looking that when the doctor called her, he said, "Never visit me again. I hope you die!"

Went to the doctor, told him I've been having dreams, first about a wigwam, then about a teepee. He said I was too tense.

What’s the best part of stage four cancer?

A: There’s no stage five.

Why can't orphans go to the hospital? Because it is a family hospital. Sorry for the long break in between my jokes. I just had some family stuff, but I am back.

I wish the doctor would prescribe me some medicine that's actually useful, like cyanide.

I wonder if Stephen Hawking was an organ donor because I need new parts for my go-kart.

If I was a raped victim, would silence be the best medicine?