Measure jokes
How do you measure a dog's temperature?
In barking grade!
Why do Republican men hate transgender people?
Because they lost a dick-measuring contest to a ladyboy in Thailand!
Your mama is so stupid, she put a ruler under her pillow to measure how long she slept.
If you measured your hairline with a protractor, it would show 90 degrees.
If I measured your forehead, it would be 100,000,000,000,000,000 miles long.
The COVID-19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.
They fear that social distancing measures could push people over the edge.
Your forehead [is] so big scientists measured it, studied it, and then finally they said: "Oh my God... your forehead is so big it's a 50 mile car ride from your eyebrows to your hair!"
What do you call a person who measures air? Airometer.
Your hairline's so far back, I use it as a ruler to measure things.
Your hairline is so deep that we measure it in metres.
Yo mama so fat, every time she measures her carbon footprint the website breaks.
You're so tall that you are a measuring tape.
Okay, boys are known to measure their dicks, but do girls measure their depths?
Yo forehead is so big, Albert Einstein couldn’t figure out the measurement of it!
You are so fat that when you go out to check your letterbox, it measures 8 on the Richter scale.
What's the easiest way to get straight A's? Use a ruler.
Did you know Yao Ming has the biggest penis in Chinese history? It measured in at nearly 5 inches!
Why do people not adhere to the corona measures?
Because they hate their lives and want to die.
Why are fish easy to measure?
Because they bring their own scales.
I'm running out of degrees? I guess I better throw myself in fire to raise my internal temperature (measured in degrees).