ME jokes

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No".

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

His mom says "No."

He asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"

He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

My grandma used to beat the hell out of me for coming home late. Guess who's late now?

Pregnant teen: I'm pregnant, my mum's gonna kill me.

Unborn baby: My mum's gonna kill me.

What did the pencil say to the sharpener? Please grind me!

Every time someone calls me fat, I get so depressed I cut myself... a piece of cake.

I prank called someone saying, "SON! IT'S ME, SON! I'M COMING FOR YOU!!!" My friend next to me asked who I was calling, and I said, "the orphanage."

What were Michael Jackson's last words? "Take me to the children's hospital."

I went up to the blind kid and said, "Can you get that for me?" and he said, "I can't, I'm blind." And so I said, "I see."

What's the difference between me and a rope?

The rope doesn't hang from itself.

Mom told me to get more in touch with my feminine side. So, I crashed the car.

Me: You stupid. Guy: You straight. Me: Sorry, I'm not a mirror.

Uranus is larger than Neptune, but Neptune is more massive/heavier. (Fact not joke, also Neptune, don't kill me!)

Sister: I don't want to do it, but...

Me: No more butts! Butts are too yuck to be in this sentence.

Anybody know a girl named Candice? She just added me on snap.

Call me a bad economy with high interest rates and low spending, 'cause I'm in a great depression.

I'm a gay depressed person. Would that make me a happy unhappy person?

What did one butthole say to the other?

"I don't know WHAT got into me last night!"

Pain. Gained. Anxiety. Fulfilled. Insomnia. Depression. Always with me. Happiness... The one thing I can't have.

Me: I have depression.

Someone: You should get out more! Go outside!

Me: *goes to the beach* Now it's a tropical depression.

The match: "Ur my match." The thighs: "You light me up."