ME jokes

What's the difference between me and a rope?

The rope doesn't hang from itself.

What did the female rapist say at her hearing?

"Well that boy's dick was inside me and you know what you metoo people say, 'my body my choice.'"

Me: I have depression.

Someone: You should get out more! Go outside!

Me: *goes to the beach* Now it's a tropical depression.

I just saw people writing "Zoophile," "Ailurophile," and "Dendrophilia" in their bios. I thought this was cool, but when I wrote "Necrophile" and "Pedophile," I don't know why people started hating me as if I did something wrong. I was just trying to be cool like them, man.

Pain. Gained. Anxiety. Fulfilled. Insomnia. Depression. Always with me. Happiness... The one thing I can't have.

Me: You stupid. Guy: You straight. Me: Sorry, I'm not a mirror.

Uranus is larger than Neptune, but Neptune is more massive/heavier. (Fact not joke, also Neptune, don't kill me!)

I'm a gay depressed person. Would that make me a happy unhappy person?

What did one butthole say to the other?

"I don't know WHAT got into me last night!"

Anybody know a girl named Candice? She just added me on snap.

Call me a bad economy with high interest rates and low spending, 'cause I'm in a great depression.

Sister: I don't want to do it, but...

Me: No more butts! Butts are too yuck to be in this sentence.

Me: I'm home, ma! Here's her with a new dad. Her: Go hang with someone. Me: Gets the noose, goes to fav tree. I love you, ma. 🙂

Doctor: You need new glasses.

Patient: How'd you know? I haven't even told you what is wrong with me yet.

Doctor: I could tell as soon as you walked in through the window.

Me: Are you okay?

Dentist: I'm just a bit surprised. When I said to you "spit it out," I wasn't expecting you to say you've been shagging my wife.

At the bar last night, a woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me.

On a related note, I suck at darts.

A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." "What do you expect?" he says, "You're in a fucking wheelchair!"

People at my school have started to wear Logan Paul merch. I try to give them a high five, but they always leave me hanging.

"Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains!" "What's wrong with me!" "Calm down, calm down. Just pull yourself together!"

My grandma used to beat the hell out of me for coming home late. Guess who's late now?