ME jokes
A mirror and a beer bottle are arguing.
The beer bottle says: "If you break me, you get one year of bad luck."
The mirror scoffs: "Oh, that's nothing. You break me and you get 7 years of bad luck."
The condom overhears these arguments and walks off laughing.
I Googled "How to start a Wildfire." It gave me 28,452 matches.
My friend had one request for me before he committed suicide, and that was to play Van Halen’s “Jump” at his funeral.
My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.
I’m not too worried—I think she’s jokingdkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf.
Pornhub suggesting me MILF on Mother's Day...
my teacher with every one for no reason
Today I got a lecture from my mother, and congratulated her. Why?
Because she managed not to damage me in a physical fashion.
"I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he'd ever read."
I was playing football and this guy comes to me, he was in a wheelchair.
We started playing rocket league.
Me: Wanna play a game?
Sister: Ya, what is it?
Me: Tic tac toe.
Sister:?
Takes out knife and rolls up sleeve.
Me: Tic tac toe.
I just watched a 9/11 documentary on a plane. Man next to me said, "You know we're going to New York, right?" I told him I just wanna know what I got into.
A daughter asked her mother, “Mom, how do you spell ‘scrotum’?”
Her mom replied, “Honey, you should have asked me last night—it was on the tip of my tongue.”
Some guy called me a tool. So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.
My girlfriend told me she used to be a Christian. I asked her why she isn't anymore and she said she liked the name Christina better.
Do trees pee?
How else do we have No. 1 pencils?
My entire family "TAKE THIS GIRL TO AN ASYLUM!!!"
Me "OH NO" 💀
me: calls suicide hotline. hotline lady: suicide hotline, how are you doing today? me: not much, just hanging.
My parents told me I was born on the highway.
Apparently that’s where most accidents happen.
Waitress: You wanna box for your leftovers?
Me: No, but I'll arm wrestle you for the check.
So I went to the binoculars shop the other day. Tell you what, they saw me coming.
I went to the tattoo shop and asked for a skull.
A Jewish guy behind me said, "A skull? Back in my day, we could only get numbers!"
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.