ME jokes
"Give me 5 cents and I’ll grant you a wish."
Ok.
"Thank you, what is your wish?"
I wish for my 5 cents back.
Can you tell me the real answer to this joke?
What do you call a drone that takes the long way around?
I told her "I love you." She said, "I love me too."
Me: If my face looked like yours, I would sue my parents.
Sensei: That’s funny, because when your parents dropped you off at the temple, they got a fine for littering.
Cop: Hehe, that’s funny because I gave them the fine!
My neighbor's daughter gave me a three-course meal last night:
Starters - role play and stripping.
Main course - Reverse Cowgirl.
Dessert - Blowy.
I was at work and a few fat women came up to me and asked for some help.
Later that week, I ran into them on the dance floor. One of them asked me if I wanted to dance. I told her no. The other asked me if I knew what was cracking. I calmly said, "The floor."
I've asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for. So far, no one has given me a straight answer.
Your mum stinks of disabled people.
Wanna know why?
I don't know either, you tell me.
Three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf. I haven't heard from him since.
10/7 is probably a spinoff of 9/11.
You can't convince me otherwise.
A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis. Her mom said, "You should have asked me last night. It was at the tip of my tongue."
There's nothing quite like being told I'm wrong by someone who depends on me for food, clothing, and shelter.
A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”
“Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”
I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
My mom calls me.
Me: WHAT MOM?
No answer.
Me: WHAT?
My son caught me masturbating. He asked me, "What are you doing?" and I said, "Don't worry, son, you'll be doing it soon." He asks, "Why is that?" and I said, "My arm's getting tired."
My mom told me that Africans don't have food, so I shipped my fat-ass brother.
"That driving backwards, it creeping me out, you're gonna wreck or something." - Lightning McQueen.
Because that is what could have saved Titanic, and it wrecked.
Me: The last time I used Duolingo was when the dinosaurs went extinct.
Duolingo: Lemme send my twins 2 go 2 ur houze (I got sideways8 twins)
I made a website for orphans, but it wouldn’t let me put a homepage.