ME jokes

Me: I fucked your mom.

Orphan: I don't have a mom so you fucked the air.

Some dude: Water you thinking?

Me: You're drowning in my head.

"Give me 5 cents and I’ll grant you a wish."

Ok.

"Thank you, what is your wish?"

I wish for my 5 cents back.

Do you love water?

Then you love 75% of me!

Family are together playing charades.

Me: "50 Shades of Grey!" Yes, I'm so good at charades! Put your shirt back on, Nan!

What do a 14-year-old and the fetus inside her have in common?

They both say, "Ohh sh*t, my mom is going to kill me!"

I told her "I love you." She said, "I love me too."

My uncle sayEd to me once, "You're my favorite child." And I said, "You mean Nece?" He said, "No, my favorite child."

Please help me... I’m being held captive by Carl Wheezer.

So I made a parody for "Me, Myself, and I." It goes like this: "Me, Myself, and I, I'm gonna drink bleach until I die!"

What did the tree say to the Lumberjack? Leaf me alone!

I used to hate facial hair,

but then it grew on me.

My ex misses me, good thing she'll never hit me.

My parents said to me, "Whenever you say sorry to someone and they say, 'It's okay,' it's really not."

So I said, "Okay."

What does the right eye say to the left eye?

Between you and me, something smells!

I once asked the guy sitting next to me if he had any Sodium Hypobromite... He said, "NaBrO."

What's the difference between you and me? You're not strangling a man with a cloak on.

I got pranked so many times. Once I saw two wheels rolling down the street. I heard this noise. I looked behind me. There's a legless man in a wheelless chair screaming, "HELP! I CAN'T GO ANYWHERE!" but I walked away. I knew it was a prank.

I’ll pat your breasts, pat your breasts, cos I’m a baker’s man, and you better bring me an orgasm as fast as you can. I’ll pat you, and prick you, and mark you with my "D", And then throw you in the fire cos you’re now worthless to me!

I've asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for. So far, no one has given me a straight answer.