ME jokes

Me: I fucked your mom.

Orphan: I don't have a mom so you fucked the air.

Do you like tree jokes? Because they leaf me in tears! :3

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Water.

Water who?

Water you waiting for, just let me in!

Me: God, Bryce, do we really have to talk about this again?

Bryce: What?

Me: You're still talking shit!! I already told you! It's 9 inches! Stop saying it's 3!

P.S. I'm a girl.

My ex misses me, good thing she'll never hit me.

Three conspiracy theories walked into a bar, now tell me that's not a coincidence!

What does the right eye say to the left eye?

Between you and me, something smells!

I once asked the guy sitting next to me if he had any Sodium Hypobromite... He said, "NaBrO."

What’s the difference between a mediocre thief and professional thief?

The mediocre thief will say “give me all your money!”

And a professional thief will say “sign here please.”

My parents said to me, "Whenever you say sorry to someone and they say, 'It's okay,' it's really not."

So I said, "Okay."

What's the difference between you and me? You're not strangling a man with a cloak on.

What's the difference between me and my best friends?

At least one of us has a house.

Why do you want me?

Cus u like me...

What do you mean?

You love me.

No.

Look down.

There's nothing quite like being told I'm wrong by someone who depends on me for food, clothing, and shelter.

Three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf. I haven't heard from him since.

Me: If my face looked like yours, I would sue my parents.

Sensei: That’s funny, because when your parents dropped you off at the temple, they got a fine for littering.

Cop: Hehe, that’s funny because I gave them the fine!

My lesbian neighbors and my sister gave me a Rolex for my birthday. I guess they misunderstood when I said I wanted a watch.

Today, me and my best friend went to the Grand Canyon. He was taking up all the space by the edge, and I told him to back up. R.I.P. to him.

What's the difference between me and my mate...

I left my dad, while hers left with their friend Cancer.

So, me and my girlfriend that I just got 7 weeks ago, we’re in class. We had this sub named Mrs. Bellatrix.

We both raised our hands and she called on both of us.

Me: First of all, are we in kindergarten? We can’t be doing 4x4 kinda stuff.

Leah: And also, are you from Harry Potter?