ME jokes

My favorite dark joke is orphan jokes. For no apparent reason.

(If you see this joke with a blue "S" that's also me. I just have an acc now.)

My friend asks me what does "idk" mean. I said, "I dion't know." My friend says, "You mean I don't know." I said, "That's what I said!"

First date be like:

Me: "I work with animals every day."

Her: "Oh, how sweet! What is it exactly that you do with them?"

Me: "I'm a butcher."

Roses are red, violets are blue, gum makes me beautiful, but what happened to you?

One late night, my wife caught me standing in front of the freezer.

She asked me, "What are you doing?"

I replied, "I'm making a pink yeti."

She asked, "What does that mean?"

I said, "I left our kid in the freezer for a couple hours."

What did the soccer player say to the flight attendant? "Please put me in coach!"

",':/ wait wtf that post below me was gay."

Me: I am the second worst thing that happened to these orphans.

Friend: What was the first?

Me: They- they weren't always orphans.

Friend: O-O

Tell me a joke about sodium.

Na.

If she’s old enough to breed, she’s old enough for me.

My friend asked me if bees can fly in the rain. I replied, "Not without their yellow jackets."

My dad told me a new version of a happy birthday song:

Happy birthday to you, you live in a zoo, you look like a monkey, and you smell like one too!

No offense to anyone reading this on their birthday.

Let me just remove my finger from your bottom.

Thank you, nurse!

I find that a lot of butts CRACK me up.

I was checking my shoe in my dad's wallet, and he slapped me. What exactly did I do to warrant the slap?

Man: Hey Siri!

Siri: Yes?

Man: I'm desperate, will you marry me?

Siri: Uh...

*phone literally explodes*

For all the online haters on me, comment here, be honest.

I saw a little boy begging for money.

I said, "Are you an orphan?"

He said, "Yes, what gave me away?"

I said, "Your parents!"

My girlfriend is so fat, she looked into the mirror and said, "Woah, there are two of me!"

So last week I gave my blind friend a cheese grater. The next two weeks he told me that was the most violent book he has ever read.