ME jokes

My friend asks me what does "idk" mean. I said, "I dion't know." My friend says, "You mean I don't know." I said, "That's what I said!"

One late night, my wife caught me standing in front of the freezer.

She asked me, "What are you doing?"

I replied, "I'm making a pink yeti."

She asked, "What does that mean?"

I said, "I left our kid in the freezer for a couple hours."

Do you love water?

Then you love 75% of me!

I read a quote about the Twin Towers that hit me like a plane.

My doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15. Problem solved!

Depression: Here, your mom just died.

Me: My mom is already dead.

When someone says: "You're a mistake."

Say: "The only mistake I see is right in front of me."

You know they're lying when they say, "My mom's picking me up."

My sister told me she liked Medusa.

I said, "Huh?"

My sister said my blow jobs are so good she looks up at the guy's facial expression, and when they look down, they do nothing but stay still.

Q: Why did baby shark cross the Pacific Ocean?

A: To find his dad.

This had me wheezing 😂🤣😂🤣

Patient: Doctor, every time I look in a mirror, I feel ill, as if I'm about to throw up. What's wrong with me?

Doctor: I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect.

Today, me and my best friend went to the Grand Canyon. He was taking up all the space by the edge, and I told him to back up. R.I.P. to him.

My mother told me to be positive, but she said that when I was going to do an AIDS test.

My friend said this to me: "Were you born on a highway? Because that's where most accidents happen." :(

Bob: What is the percent of people who are depressed?

Me: If you're only counting me, 100%.

How it be when the new guy takes too long...

Hay Danny, it's me Johnny.

Johnny: Boss says to kill the guy in red. Point the gun at his head.

Danny: Ok, target locked. 3... 2... 1... bang.

Johnny: Danny, hope you did not get the man in red.

Danny: OH MY BRO FOR REALL.

"Fuck me right in the balls, you dirty cow!"

If someone who speaks two languages is bilingual, and someone who speaks many languages is multilingual, then what do you call someone who speaks one language?

An American.

Me lol.

A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree.

“You can’t cut me down,” the tree exclaims, “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will have dialogue.”