ME jokes

I've asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for. So far, no one has given me a straight answer.

Imagine a dragon 🤔.

Imagine me dragging these nuts across your face.

I was at work and a few fat women came up to me and asked for some help.

Later that week, I ran into them on the dance floor. One of them asked me if I wanted to dance. I told her no. The other asked me if I knew what was cracking. I calmly said, "The floor."

I saw two guys wearing matching clothing, and I asked if they were gay. They quickly arrested me.

Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."

Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades, and they will stop."

My lesbian friends bought me a nice watch for my birthday. I think they got confused when I said, "I wanna watch."

Me going to jail after telling the orphan he can't learn about ancient Egypt because he don't know what a mummy is.

My mom told me that Africans don't have food, so I shipped my fat-ass brother.

My son caught me masturbating. He asked me, "What are you doing?" and I said, "Don't worry, son, you'll be doing it soon." He asks, "Why is that?" and I said, "My arm's getting tired."

A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”

“Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”

I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.

Why is it okay for a woman to use me when she feels like it, but when I use her body when I feel like it, I am the bad guy?

The other day my wife told me to pass her her lipstick, but I accidently passed her a glue stick... she still isn't talking to me.

I'm not saying I'm ugly...

But when I'm watching porn, the hot, sexy women in my area always pop up and ask me if I'm rich.

My mom calls me.

Me: WHAT MOM?

No answer.

Me: WHAT?

Once my cat was playing video games. I was OVERWATCHing him.

I asked him to PAWS the game. He then hissed at me. I was surprised; he usually has a good PURRsonality. He said he YARNED to play the game.

Please help me... I’m being held captive by Carl Wheezer.

I used to hate facial hair,

but then it grew on me.

So I made a parody for "Me, Myself, and I." It goes like this: "Me, Myself, and I, I'm gonna drink bleach until I die!"

What did the tree say to the Lumberjack? Leaf me alone!