ME jokes
My friend: Hey, I got 15 kills!
Me: I got 60 kills!
My friend: I didn't know you played Call of Duty!
Me: What's Call of Duty?
I asked my kid to give me a hand. That motherfucker cried while charging his mechanical arm.
The other day my wife told me to pass her her lipstick, but I accidently passed her a glue stick... she still isn't talking to me.
What did the orphan say to its parents?
"Hey, Mom and Dad—oh wait, you're not my parents. I don't have none. Will you adopt me, please?"
They people: "No."
Me: Pretend your name is “puberty.”
Friend: Ok?
Me: I'mma hit puberty!
*hits my friend*
I made a website for orphans, but it wouldn’t let me put a homepage.
Me rn: "Yo yo yo, for pre-K I went to K.I.S.S. a school."
My friend: "What is K.I.S.M.A.?"
Me: "K.I.S.M.A. balls!"
I asked my wife to embrace her mistakes.
She gave me a hug.
Flex tape can fix a sawed-in-half boat. Then how the f*** can it not fix the Titanic when it broke in half? Tell me!
"That driving backwards, it creeping me out, you're gonna wreck or something." - Lightning McQueen.
Because that is what could have saved Titanic, and it wrecked.
Me: The last time I used Duolingo was when the dinosaurs went extinct.
Duolingo: Lemme send my twins 2 go 2 ur houze (I got sideways8 twins)
Friend: How's it going?
Me: Good, things are good!
Parent: How are you?
Me: Oh, I'm fine!
Twitter: Compose new tweet?
Me: Hellooooo, I would like to tell you about my anxiety & my current greatest fears & let's talk about the impending apocalypse while we're at it.
Me: The light wow brighter than my future.
Me: Knock, knock.
Other person: Who’s there?
Me: Atch.
Other person: Atch who?
Me: Bless you!
What has 4 limbs and can make a sidewalk red? Me falling from a 20 story building.
What's an orphan's favorite game to play on Roblox? The game Adopt Me.
I just beat the Hollow Knight and found it takes 26 hours to beat it, but it took me 69 hours to beat it.
Sister: Why does shampoo have directions?
Me: 'Cause God made you.
Me: Do you like cobble?
My friend: No.
Me: Gobble deez nuts!
Imagine this whole “Dr. Strange jokes” is just full of people simping over him.
Couldn’t Be Me.