ME jokes
Me lol.
What's the difference between you and me? You're not strangling a man with a cloak on.
What’s the difference between a mediocre thief and professional thief?
The mediocre thief will say “give me all your money!”
And a professional thief will say “sign here please.”
What's the difference between me and my best friends?
At least one of us has a house.
My parents said to me, "Whenever you say sorry to someone and they say, 'It's okay,' it's really not."
So I said, "Okay."
What does the right eye say to the left eye?
Between you and me, something smells!
Three conspiracy theories walked into a bar, now tell me that's not a coincidence!
I got pranked so many times. Once I saw two wheels rolling down the street. I heard this noise. I looked behind me. There's a legless man in a wheelless chair screaming, "HELP! I CAN'T GO ANYWHERE!" but I walked away. I knew it was a prank.
I’ll pat your breasts, pat your breasts, cos I’m a baker’s man, and you better bring me an orgasm as fast as you can. I’ll pat you, and prick you, and mark you with my "D", And then throw you in the fire cos you’re now worthless to me!
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
"What are you shaking for? She’s going to eat me!"
How many letters are in the English Alphabet?
Twenty-two. ET went home, P ran down his leg, and he took ME with him.
My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair and guess who came crawling back!
Me. I am the joke.
This ole boy picked up a hooker one time and she gave him the clap. In a few days, he saw her again, and he went up to her and said, "Hey, you gave me the clap!" She said, "NO I DID NOT! I sold it to ya!"
This name makes me want to close season instead of open it.
Waiter: Can I have your order?
Me: No, it’s mine!
My dad told me and my sister to stop arguing, so I threw her out the window instead.
Teacher: Why were you late?
Me: Traffic.
Teacher: Did I did it?
Me: Did I even blame it on you?
Me: Do you like cobble?
My friend: No.
Me: Gobble deez nuts!
Friend: How's it going?
Me: Good, things are good!
Parent: How are you?
Me: Oh, I'm fine!
Twitter: Compose new tweet?
Me: Hellooooo, I would like to tell you about my anxiety & my current greatest fears & let's talk about the impending apocalypse while we're at it.