ME jokes

This ole boy picked up a hooker one time and she gave him the clap. In a few days, he saw her again, and he went up to her and said, "Hey, you gave me the clap!" She said, "NO I DID NOT! I sold it to ya!"

This name makes me want to close season instead of open it.

I find that a lot of butts CRACK me up.

For all the online haters on me, comment here, be honest.

So last week I gave my blind friend a cheese grater. The next two weeks he told me that was the most violent book he has ever read.

I was checking my shoe in my dad's wallet, and he slapped me. What exactly did I do to warrant the slap?

What did the banana say to the vibrator?

"What are you shaking for? She’s going to eat me!"

Man: Hey Siri!

Siri: Yes?

Man: I'm desperate, will you marry me?

Siri: Uh...

*phone literally explodes*

Gf: Babe, do you love me?

Bf: Count the stars and that's how much I love you.

Gf: But it's morning, sweetie...

Bf: Exactly.

Gf: :0, I'll take that as a no.

Let me just remove my finger from your bottom.

Thank you, nurse!

I used to hate facial hair,

but then it grew on me.

My ex misses me, good thing she'll never hit me.

Please help me... I’m being held captive by Carl Wheezer.

What did the tree say to the Lumberjack? Leaf me alone!

So I made a parody for "Me, Myself, and I." It goes like this: "Me, Myself, and I, I'm gonna drink bleach until I die!"

Me: I fucked your mom.

Orphan: I don't have a mom so you fucked the air.

Why do you want me?

Cus u like me...

What do you mean?

You love me.

No.

Look down.

My pathological cheater of a sister wanted to play a board game with me.

I turned her down because I didn't like the Risk involved.

My uncle sayEd to me once, "You're my favorite child." And I said, "You mean Nece?" He said, "No, my favorite child."

"Give me 5 cents and I’ll grant you a wish."

Ok.

"Thank you, what is your wish?"

I wish for my 5 cents back.