ME jokes

Bill Gates teaches a kindergarten class to count to ten. “Dos, 1, 2, 3, 3.1, 95, 98, ME, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 8.1, 10.”

I asked Siri why I am still single; she showed me a pic of my mom riding on my dick!

One day, little Johnny and little Susan were in bible class. Little Susan had been tired that day, so she kept falling asleep. The teacher said to little Susan, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" Little Johnny poked her in the butt with a push pin, and she yelled, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher goes, "That's right, go back to bed." Then, the next thing the teacher asked was, "Who gave up their son for our sins?" Little Johnny poked her again, and she yelled, "God Almighty!" The teacher says, "That's right, go back to bed." The next question the teacher asked was, "What did Adam say to Eve after their 13th child?" Little Johnny poked her in the butt again. She yelled, "If you stick that thing in me again, I am going to break it in half and shove it up your own ass and see how you like it!"

Me: A lot of things changed since I got my wife pregnant.

Friend: Like what?

Me: My name, my address, my phone number...

My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!”

They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

What was the drug addict's favorite nursery rhyme?

I'm a little crack pot short and stout, put that crack pipe in my mouth, sell my body or sell my couch, get that lighter and smoke me out!

Papyrus: Well come to the underground.

Sans: How was your falls?

Papyrus: G-g-good luck eve-ever ge-getting o-out.

Sans: Give me your balls!

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help her check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

Orphan: What are you doing tonight?

Me: Your mum... oh wait, you don't have one.

Papyrus: HUMAN, WHY ARE YOU SAD?

Me: I'm just BONELY.

Sans: Good one kiddo.

I bought a wooden whistle. I tried so hard, but it wouldn't whistle.

So I bought a steel one. It still wouldn't let me whistle. Then I got a lead one. It still wouldn't lead me whistle. Then I realised, they were flutes, so the wood would lead me whistle if I did it correctly. Steel....

My girlfriend accused me of cheating, and I said to her, "You're starting to sound like my wife."

If it does more than pee, it's too old for me!

The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn't talking to me.

I've been told I've got a perfect cock.

She sure was hard on me when I took it from her, though.

I saw a piece of cheese and it told me a joke, but the joke was too cheesy.

Sans: Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?

Papyrus: Because he looked like me.

Sans: Sure.

My friend got a sorry excuse for a new hair style, she says "How do you like my new hair style?"

Me: I think it's a great idea, when are you getting one?

I stepped on a cornflake. They accused me of being a serial killer.

I find it best to screw people with memory loss. I mean, what's my grandma gonna do? Describe me to the cops?